I think this is am amazing start to what is a seriously off beat and intriguing world.

I love the fish swimming backwards for the opening, it seems a perfect device to set up the dysfunctional reality.

Although it is difficult to portray a setting that is most likely very unfamiliar to the average reader, I think you really succeeded in this respect. Your imagery is great and I do not feel that anything was too forced.

I may not understand all the jargon and nuances going on here yet, but I still felt caught up in the scene, experiencing the mood and getting to know the characters. Even where there is mention of things that I obviously don't understand yet, you clue in enough to get the main point.

The personalities of your characters is easy to distinguish and using how the women choose to appear is really a great way to help portray that - love that!

Old product placement, the headset model had been obsolete for three years. I feel you can drop the "Old product placement." It caused a little confusion for me at first.

Maddie's voice arrived before her image flickered into being at the edge of the fountain. Here I think the word "being" is not the most appropriate word....although perhaps you meant it to be that way. I guess "site" seems more fitting, reinforcing the non-existence of their bodies.

I would love to have a small morsel of detail on what the "default" appearance that Irina is sporting. I think when she glances down at herself it would be easy to pop that in smoothly...you seem to have a knack for great imagery without an excessive word count. <img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/w/w…" width="15" height="15" alt="" title=" (Wink)"/>

The second part isn't as entertainingly offbeat as the first, but it holds its own in establishing Frank's character.
My favorite part:
"Morning, Corzine. You sound like shit."
"I look it, trust me."

Ha! Great humor.


Although there is a lot of futuristic aspects, it still has the feel of a good old crime scene, which also makes it a little cliche...but I am not sure that is a bad thing.

Overall your dialogue is quite good and there is a sense of who these people are from how they talk. I don't feel any of it was really on the nose or cheesy.

I think you really have a great writing style and everything flows smooth.

A great read and I hope to get to more of it soon!!
Keep at it!!