Already Gone

~Already Gone~

Remember all the things we wanted

Now all our memories they're haunted

We were always meant to say goodbye

I was always afraid this would happen. She kept probing, testing, asking my opinion before she made any decision, no matter how small or big. Falling in love with her was absolutely and totally unavoidable. I knew, from the moment I met her at Ostagar, that I would do anything for her. I wouldn't have told about being the king's son if I didn't have too, honestly. I liked the way she treated me as Alistair, not the bastard prince, and didn't want to lose that. She took it better than I thought she would. No screaming, no demanding why I hadn't told her sooner, just a sad, quiet "I understand" that was almost worse. She seemed to wilt slightly as she led the way down to Redcliffe. I wondered why, but now I know. She realized, even at that early point, where things were inevitably going to end up.

Even with our fists held high

It never would've worked out right

We were never meant for do or die

I didn't want us to burn out

I didn't come here to hurt you, now I can't stop

I know exactly what I'm doing. And I don't want to be doing it. My heart is breaking, my knees feel like jelly, but I pull him to the side at camp. The day has already been trying enough, what with fighting both a broodmother and Branka, but even the glow of victory from those battles can't put off the inevitable. I have to do this. Now. He's the king's son. I'll have to put him on the throne. And despite all his protests, I know he'll do a good job. A great job. This is one of those things a woman just knows. Another is that I'm not queen material, and I'll lose him if I do the right thing.  I don't want to hurt him. But I have to do this. The words tumble out in a rush. I need to just say it. "I think we need to end this now."

I want you to know that it doesn't matter

Where we take this road someone's gotta go

And I want you to know you couldn't have loved me better

But I want you to move on, so I'm already gone

I can see it in her eyes. She doesn't want to be doing this. But she's doing it anyway. With all the treaties used to gather allies, and the Landsmeet as the next step in fighting the Blight, I think I know why. But it still hurts. Maker's Breath, I love her. And if the tears pooling in her eyes are any clue, the feeling's mutual, and she's trying to end things before they go any deeper. That would only hurt more when the time came. It already feels like having my heart ripped out of my chest. I've never wanted my birthright to vanish any more than I do at this moment.

Looking at you makes it harder

But I know that you'll find another

That doesn't always make you want to cry

Started with a perfect kiss then

We could feel the poison set in

Perfect couldn't keep this love alive

You know that I love you so,

I love you enough to let you go

I can't meet his eyes. They're full of so much raw hurt, I feel like my heart will explode if I look for one more second. But I knew, from the moment he told me Maric was his father, what I was going to have to do. And I fell in love with him anyway. I couldn't help it. But now loving him means letting him go. He'll find a woman he can love, I'm sure of it. He's so lovable they'll be all over him in no time. The thought only makes the ache in my heart sharpen. The image of him with someone else almost kills me, but it has to be.

I want you to know

That it doesn't matter

Where we take this road someone's gotta go

And I want you to know

You couldn't have loved me better

But I want you to move on so I'm already gone

I've never felt loved as I did in his arms. And I know I never will again. For all his innocence and inexperience, he couldn't have loved me any better than he did. I feel lonliness set in as we return to Redcliffe. He's right beside me, jaw set hard as he tries not to look at me. While it hurts, part of me is selfishly, miserably glad. I know if our eyes meet, I'll take it all back. I'll throw mself in his arms, beg him to forget I said anything. And I can't do that.

I'm already gone, already gone

You can't make it feel right

when you know that it's wrong

I'm already gone, already gone

There's no moving on so I'm already gone

The archdemon is dead. So is my heart. I sacrificed the one thing in the world that mattered to me for the good of Ferelden. But it was the right thing to do. I'm not so selfish as to deny Ferelden the best possible leader because I don't want to give him up. I risk one last look at him before leaving. He's trying to smile, but the misery in my heart reflects in his eyes as our gazes meet. I tear my eyes away, feeling horribly guilty all over again. It was the right thing to do. Maybe if I keep telling myself that, I'll eventually believe it.