literature

Snow

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atewi's avatar
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Literature Text

The snow drifts down
From steel grey skies
Thick and white, lamb's wool
A lazy cloud headed to the ground

She shrugs her shoulders,
Wrapped in black feathers
And Long smooth leathers
The chill never leaves

Her figure is frail and thin
Buffeted back by the steady wind
Porcelain pale, the snow is mirrored
In skin smooth as glass

A blush of crimson
Forms of it's own accord
Around pastel lips a mist is born
Her breath is just too warm

She bundles up tight,
Her frost colored eyes close gently
Another breath leads to a tender sigh
As the snow flutters from the sky

In this steady breeze
the entire world is lost
In the gentle swish, and careful sway
Of pine trees, green still today

On this frigid winters day
A Goddess carved from ivory
Savored the silence, this single moment
The World was at rest.
Winter is my favorite time of the year, including the snow, counting the ice, and one can't forget the creeping cold. I love to take walks on clear winter nights just to savor the silence and take in the sights.

Critique for the Written Revolution: [link]

Questions for the readers:
1. What do you think of the Imagery? Is it too much, too little, and how would you suggest I improve it?
2. Any opinions on the stanza and line structure, and any suggestions for improving it?
3. Is there enough flow to this piece or does it seem a little choppy?
© 2011 - 2024 atewi
Comments11
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OritPetra's avatar
I'll be honest, I think this poem could certainly use some work, but you do have the beginning of something interesting here. The language here is particularly lovely. You also have a very good sense of rhythm, and your enjambment (where you break your lines) is good. Though are all important skills, and they seem to come naturally to you. That in and of itself is the foundation of a talented poet, so after some practice and some experience, I think your work will grow and emerge into something excellent. This, in and of itself, is a very good start.

I respond to your requests for feedback in order --

1. What do you think of the Imagery? Is it too much, too little, and how would you suggest I improve it?
:bulletgreen: You have some lovely images here, but they could use some ironing out. For example, in the first stanza you describe the skies as "steel grey" but the rest of the imagery is soft and lovely. The contrast there is jarring, and while contradictory images can be put to good use, they don't seem to have justifiable purpose here. You may want to consider a different approach to the imagery you've chosen to describe the Winter's sky. In general, too, I think you could spice your imagery up and get more creative. The personification of seasons in poetry is something that has been done many times, and so it's sort of at the point where the poets who choose to do it need to approach it innovatively - and images with a bit more oomph may help you do that. It's not bad to do something that's been done a lot, but it's great if you can do it in a dazzling new way. Again, you have a good foundation for doing that here, you just need to put a touch more elbow grease in, I think.


2. Any opinions on the stanza and line structure, and any suggestions for improving it?
:bulletgreen: Stanza and line structure, as I briefly mentioned before, is quite good. You break the stanzas at natural points, and your enjambment is excellent. I do also like the structure of four lines per stanza. It;s almost vaguely suggestive of the four seasons, which is kinda cool.


3. Is there enough flow to this piece or does it seem a little choppy?
:bulletgreen: In general, your flow is good. There are a few wayward capitalization that are somewhat jarring, though, so you may want to have a look at those. For example: "And Long smooth leathers. This also may be personal preference on my part, but I think it would flow better visual without having every line capitalised, and perhaps with some more consistent punctuation of sentences. I know when I right, I capitalise and punctuate just like a would in prose, and this does seem to help the "visual flow" of the piece. Just in case I'm not being clear, here's an example of what I mean:

In general, your flow
is good. There are a few
wayward capitalizations that are
somewhat jarring, though, --
you may want to have a look at those.
Lawls for worst poem eva, amiright?. ;)


I hope these comments are of help to you. Remember, they are all just suggestions, and by no means feel obligated to change your poem based on them. Do your editing as you see fit. :)

All in all a very nice poem. Thank you for sharing it here on dA. :heart: