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Literature Text
La luna brushes
The spirits in their seasons
Against the wall,
Then tilts and turns
Toward darkness.
A la luz de la luna,
The dead tilt and turn
By the light of the moon.
she says it with a smile
that cuts your
knees out from under you:
'a la orilla del mar.'
by the shores of the sea,
in the season of snow
she still grows up from the earth -
saw-grass climbing dune crests.
the magician wolf-child
twists her fingers
and does not trust her words
the whole of winter -
and in spring
a spade turns the garden
from weed-green to brown,
flames turn the fields
from brown to volcanic black,
while, cello between her knees,
she plays to the ghosts
who know her name,
plays her cello
to the red wallpaper
soft as cream.
The black water
Beneath la luna
Shines pewter at
Its wave-crests.
The salt smells
Like summer hurricanes.
a la orilla del mar
the sand still clings to
the heat of the day.
the milky way
is a waving field
of wheat and silver barley grass,
and the wolf-child's padding feet
track sand inside the house.
she plays
with sand under her fingernails,
and her spirits
kneel and bow
to pick it out of the carpet.
their faces are painted
on the red wallpaper -
red
like the fires
in early spring fields.
and the magician
runs her fingers
through the barley grass
to teach it to sing.
With a sigh
La luna turns from the sun.
'a la orilla del mar,'
she says with a smile like cream.
she grows up from dune crests
with her cello between her knees
and autumn leaves
burning into the carpet,
returns her ghosts
to what they once were
as crumbled leaves
and old wheat stalks,
brown and gold as ashes.
a la orilla del mar
the cello-player
sends the spirits to the earth,
And autumn fades
To the season of snow,
A la luz de la luna.
The spirits in their seasons
Against the wall,
Then tilts and turns
Toward darkness.
A la luz de la luna,
The dead tilt and turn
By the light of the moon.
she says it with a smile
that cuts your
knees out from under you:
'a la orilla del mar.'
by the shores of the sea,
in the season of snow
she still grows up from the earth -
saw-grass climbing dune crests.
the magician wolf-child
twists her fingers
and does not trust her words
the whole of winter -
and in spring
a spade turns the garden
from weed-green to brown,
flames turn the fields
from brown to volcanic black,
while, cello between her knees,
she plays to the ghosts
who know her name,
plays her cello
to the red wallpaper
soft as cream.
The black water
Beneath la luna
Shines pewter at
Its wave-crests.
The salt smells
Like summer hurricanes.
a la orilla del mar
the sand still clings to
the heat of the day.
the milky way
is a waving field
of wheat and silver barley grass,
and the wolf-child's padding feet
track sand inside the house.
she plays
with sand under her fingernails,
and her spirits
kneel and bow
to pick it out of the carpet.
their faces are painted
on the red wallpaper -
red
like the fires
in early spring fields.
and the magician
runs her fingers
through the barley grass
to teach it to sing.
With a sigh
La luna turns from the sun.
'a la orilla del mar,'
she says with a smile like cream.
she grows up from dune crests
with her cello between her knees
and autumn leaves
burning into the carpet,
returns her ghosts
to what they once were
as crumbled leaves
and old wheat stalks,
brown and gold as ashes.
a la orilla del mar
the cello-player
sends the spirits to the earth,
And autumn fades
To the season of snow,
A la luz de la luna.
Cello Sonata in E Minor (with piano accompaniment)
Written for #transliterations Prompt 7 and for my 100 Poem Project. I, obviously, chose the sonata form for my poem, which you can read about here if you're interested.
inspired by Herbjorg Wassmo's Dina's Book (specifically, a character concept), as well as Federico Garcia Lorca's La Casa de Bernarda Alba (specifically, the line "a la orilla del mar"). Composed to the sounds of Yo-Yo Ma playing Beethoven, mostly.
Just to clarify: a la orilla del mar = by the shores of the sea
a la luz de la luna = by moonlight (therefore, la luna = the moon)
This was a REALLY TOUGH prompt. Took me ages to figure out what I wanted to write about, and what musical form I wanted to use. Still would like to play around with the format just a bit. I'd love some critiques!
What do you think of the format? Do you like the way I've broken up the "solo" and "accompaniment"? Does it work?
As usual: how well does the imagery flow? Do you like the images themselves? Do they fit well together?
How do you like the repetitions? Is the "theme" (by which I mean musical theme, see [link] for reference) fairly evident?
Any other thoughts?
critique: [link]
Written for #transliterations Prompt 7 and for my 100 Poem Project. I, obviously, chose the sonata form for my poem, which you can read about here if you're interested.
inspired by Herbjorg Wassmo's Dina's Book (specifically, a character concept), as well as Federico Garcia Lorca's La Casa de Bernarda Alba (specifically, the line "a la orilla del mar"). Composed to the sounds of Yo-Yo Ma playing Beethoven, mostly.
Just to clarify: a la orilla del mar = by the shores of the sea
a la luz de la luna = by moonlight (therefore, la luna = the moon)
This was a REALLY TOUGH prompt. Took me ages to figure out what I wanted to write about, and what musical form I wanted to use. Still would like to play around with the format just a bit. I'd love some critiques!
What do you think of the format? Do you like the way I've broken up the "solo" and "accompaniment"? Does it work?
As usual: how well does the imagery flow? Do you like the images themselves? Do they fit well together?
How do you like the repetitions? Is the "theme" (by which I mean musical theme, see [link] for reference) fairly evident?
Any other thoughts?
critique: [link]
Comments33
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Some thoughts from me, am going to work through stanza by stanza. Overall though, I would like to see you work on your linebreaks and possibly include some punctuation. The style of this poem lends itself to needing punctuation, especially commas and fullstops.
S1
"phantom seasons' feels like words that you have just thrown in there, I don't know what you mean by this although the image that it alludes to is interesting if you elaborate a bit more. Also don't know how I feel about Line 1 & 4 both starting with "La luna", perhaps play with your linebreaks here?
S2
Your linebreaks can work harder for you here. Consider a break after "cuts your". You have a tendancy to break at what I call sentence words, e.g. that, by, in, still.
Also reword "still she grows up from the earth / saw-grass climbing dune crests" as it doesn't totally make sense.
Stanza 4
Cut some of your sentence words e.g. the and on the third line. Don't really like "the whole of winter" and it also doesn't read right from a grammar perspective
Weed-green - change it to green weeds, it reads better. Turns from green weeds to brown.
"the cello" - this implies we know about this cello? Why not a cello? Or her cello?
Don't know how I feel about the repetition of "and in the spring", why haven't you joined this to the previous description of spring?
Cut "while inside", we know (or assume) that she is probably inside.
'is nearly pewter" - again, you're cutting too many words. Is the black water almost the appearance of pewter? I know what you mean, but it reads choppy. Definitely play with your linebreaks here
I like the image of the sand retaining the heat from the day but find a better adjective than "hold".
the parts of this stanza seem very segmented, and I can't quite ascertain the flow between them.
Stanza 10
why are you repeating the image of the cello between her knees?
"as ashes to earth" is cliche, you can find a better way to say this
Overall I enjoyed this and the images invoked however it does read quite choppy and segmented overall as a piece, it lacks a good flow at this point. This can be fixed through a) linebreaks b) cutting some sentence words c) building on other images (some that I have outlined).
I don't use the stars, so ignoring that bit on this critique feature