literature

Summer Storm

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Literature Text

I will fall
And be tossed about like autumn leaves
In a bipolar wind
Tearing them apart.

I will wait
And be white-fringed like the ocean
In a storm of sounds
Tossing it in play.

"Mother!"
they shout.
"Tell me a story
Of dripping water and saturated sights,
Of holding hopes and each other tight,
Of heaving chests in warmth-fringed wetness."

Toss a rhapsody in my direction,
Meant to be read aloud.
Rs rolling like the weather,
And Ds hit on like a drum.

Rivers of mud fall down the mountain,
Raging and fighting and stumbling on rocks
That were tossed carelessly in their direction,
Like apple cores or bad ideas.

"Father!"
They shout.
"Tell me a story
Of emptied skies and greying landscapes,
Decapitated trees and coming home late
Because the streets now wade in water."

Warm rain shines like sweat on my skin
And leaves me gasping for breath
With a tee-shirt stuck to my back
As the sun peeks its head out,
precarious.
Inspired by the fact that it's raining and everything looks so shiny. I love the smell of post-storm grass, maybe I should've included that.

TWR critique:
[link]

TWR questions:
1) Do you feel like this piece has a rhythm? If not, what would you change to make it feel more natural?
2) Favourite lines? Least favourite?
3) Was the theme obvious enough, or do you feel as though I could accent it more?
4) How did you feel about the disjointed nature of each stanza? Do you think I should tie it up together better? Keep it as it is? Eliminate all semblances between them?
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Comments51
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LadyKylin's avatar
1- The rhythem feels quite natural to me
2- I liked the whole second verse/stanza,
I would personally change the line Like apple core or bad idea to Like apples cores and bad ideas. But that'sj ust my two cents
3-The theme as far as I could tell was that it was about rain, and flooding, the last stanza kind of seemed out of place to me.
4- I was find with it though the rhythem might seem more natural if you figured out some way to make the lines closer to the same length, or make it so that the varing lengths are more consistent between stanzas.