10. Because IF I could do A chin-up, it would require four bars. (take your time with this one)
9. Because every time I step on the scale, I set a new high score.
8. Because I’ve been banned from the Chinese Buffet.
7. Because I need a garden hose to keep my bath-robe closed. (There’s only so much a four foot terry cloth strip can do.)
6. Because my wife made me a blanket for Christmas and it almost fits!
5. Because when I sit around the house, the Postman can’t get close enough to deliver the mail.
4. Because I cut my hand the other day and it bled Caramel Ice Cream topping.
3. Because Cookies, Chips, Fast Food, and Beef Jerky ARE NOT the four food groups.
2. Because my doctor referred me to a specialist. (What’s a ‘Marine Biologist”?)
1. Because the Handicap Stall is One-Size-Fits-All. For now.
Here’s the story. I’ve always had a weight problem. I was a little fat kid who ate too much and did too little. But as a teenager, I became more athletic, was kind of hyperactive, and never afraid of hard work, so I sort of grew into my body.
Because I don’t fit in my daughter’s car.
As a young man, I sort of settled into my build, which was sort of husky, always 10 – 30 lbs overweight. I drank too much and ate like crap but maintained a steady weight by playing LOTS of basketball, and later in my 20s, going to the gym and quitting drinking.
Because I get all red faced and short of breath when I tie my shoes.
As I settled into my thirties, I started to gain a little, especially after several years of marriage. I wasn’t exercising as much and I stopped riding my bike and playing ball. My 10 – 15 overweight became 20 – 30.
Because I used to take stairs two at a time, now I take them twice a week.
When we bought our house, I took some time off (I sit at a desk) and always so busy with the new house that I inadvertently dropped 25 lbs and got down to near where I was when I got married. But then I went back to work, and inevitably put a few pounds back on.
Because I can’t see my boxers.
Then a few months later, I joined a Biggest Loser contest at my old job and came in second place. I dropped over 40 pounds and won $250.00. I got down to 196 and looked great. It was my lowest weight since High School.
Because sweat pants are all the rage!
Five weeks later, on my way to the wig shop, a few days before my wife’s fist chemo appointment (a different blog entirely) I smoked my last cigarette. All hell broke loose. In less than five months, I put on fifty pounds.
Because sometimes I can’t get my Wedding Ring off.
That was three and a half years ago. Since that time, I’ve put on five or ten pounds a year. It has added up so that now, I’m bigger than I ever was. Three years ago, I felt much better as a 250 lb non-smoker that I did as a smoker who was ten pounds overweight. No more.
Because the number of positions I can safely make love to my wife in is smaller that the number of times per month we do it (possibly a correlation here).
Now I feel as exerted and winded as when I smoked a pack a day. A trip up the stairs is work. I can only run around with my dog for short bursts. It’s much easier to lift my leg to tie my shoes than to bend down to the floor. People who see me for the first time in a few years either look at me funny or don’t recognize me at all.
Because it’ll be cheaper to lose weight than replace my closet full of clothes.
I know what I have to do, I’ve known for three years; eat less. Eat better. excercize more frequently, get back into it when I have a few bad days, stay active. And I know what I need to not do; get discouraged over a ‘splurge’ meal, chase a bag of Candy Corn with a package of beef jerky, treat junk food like drugs or booze.
Because ankles can only be expected to do so much.
So why am I sharing this with the world? Because I need to be accountable to more than just myself. So that when you see me in May, I’ll know you’re not only thinking “What a giant fatass!”, but “What a giant fatass with no follow through!”
Because I’m not jolly, or big boned, or barrel chested, or comfortable, I’m f*ckin’ FAT.
So if you see me in six months and I haven’t changed a bit, feel free to call me “Palooga”, or ‘Bessie’, or ,Dump Truck’. Or maybe you could just look at me with pity in your eyes. Or maybe you could call Green Peace and try to push me back in the water. Or you could just walk on by me, but if you do, grab the handle of the pallet jack and turn me to face the sun.
Because I might be bigger than my father ever was.
My goal? I think 200 is completely realistic and doable. But I have a pipe dream of losing 100 lbs., that’ll put me at 183.2. A definite reach. But my bigger goal is to look better, feel better, and not get so many funny looks. (Heh – two out of three ain’t bad!)
Because it’s the last addiction in a lifetime of addictions.
So off I go, in the other direction, with steely determination (and a few slight pangs). Wish me luck, and stay out of my way. Give my best to the guys at the sausage factory, the gang at the bakery, and the staff at the buffet! And to my fellow giant fatasses; come with me, follow me, let me lead you, or say goodbye to me. I’m doing it this time. I’m through being a giant fatass. Not for my wife, or my family, or to be some kind of example, but for me.
Because I weighed in at over 280 pounds and I’m not nine feet tall.
I expect to keep my updated results on this space. Feel free to stop back often.
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Find out about the Children who recently entered our life:
ceb364.deviantart.com/journal/…
Learn my feelings about blogging in general:
ceb364.deviantart.com/journal/…
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ABOUT MY ARTWORK
If you don't give a crap about my life as an artist, feel free to stop reading now, I realize I can be a wordy SOB. With regards to my art, I’m in sort of a disturbing trend. I’ve started maybe a half dozen picturesin the past year, and finished none, including one of my favorite athletes I abandoned when he was traded from my favorite team, a comic book project I abandoned to start the athlete project, a truly iconic picture for someone special in my life, and another Breast Cancer Awareness pic on an epic scale that utilizes the work of dozens of DA stock artists. I still intend to finish them all, but in the past, I’ve lost interest and scrapped many pictures that I had grand intentions for. Oh well, in the mean time here are a few pictures I’ve either recently completed, or just got around to putting up:
:thumb83113642:
And speaking of Breast Cancer awareness, I think I’m going to get rid of my other account
. It doesn’t make sense to pay for two subscriptions when I already have all the pics listed here. I’ll probably keep it a non-subscription account (I do like the name), but transfer all the comments over to this one and make the prints available here. Here’s a few favorites from that account:
I also wanted to make everyone aware that I do commissions if anyone is interested. You see my style, you see what I’m capable of. If you are interested, please contact me. I also want to let you know that many of my originals are available for sale. If you are interested in anything specific, please let me know. This applies to both of my accounts.
On Saturday, January 28, 2006 (my dad’s birthday), this picture:
was chosen as a Daily Deviation. It was recommended by
and selected by 
.I wanted to express my gratitude to both of those deviants and to all the members who commented and faved this piece who I didn’t have a chance to properly thank. Lame as it may sound, it was one of the most gratifying, important, and proud moments in my life as an artist. Recognition by one’s peers may be the most sincere compliment and artist can receive.All of my work is pen and ink (why do they call it pen and ink anyway?). Specifically, India ink. I used to work in pencil, and will occasionally do something in just pencil, but I have grown to love the contract and sharpness I can get from ink. Everything starts with rough pencils and is eventually embellished with Micron graphic pens. I used to use Penstix, but they tend to fade over time while the Microns hold up very well. They also come in better line depths and also a variety of colors, which I started experimenting with not too long ago.
My best work:
Which is not only a masterful piece of art I would hold up to anything ever produced by any artist, but also is touching tribute to someone my entire family loved dearly.Some others I consider to be among my best:
I also very much like the abstract pictures that come straight from my imagination:
And let me shout out to my Amazing, beautiful, lovely, CANCER FREE wife by sharing some of the overly sappy, lovey dovey pictures I drew for her that always seem to come out pretty good:
Make sure you visit my kid’s gallery. She’s an art student at UCONN who needs to upload some of the amazing stuff she’s done in the last few years:
Also, say hi to one of our family’s real-world friends:
I also wanted to mention a few pictures that either didn't live up to their potential, or just simply suck:
And I would be remiss if I didn't throw in a few nudie girls, big boobed babes, and scantily clad super heroines:
:thumb82778035: :thumb82756453:
Mature Content
Later!
