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Literature Text
You stare with disdain, condemning me with your eyes
Never one word from my mouth, yet you assume who I am
Calculating, in your arrogance, the sorry tragedy I must be
A waste of life, surely, to find my existence among such chaos
You stare at the interlock in my car and say to yourself,
"Oh, she's one of.. those," and quickly look away
Casting me off into the abyss, and scoff as I land
In a heaping pile of meaningless, decaying rubble
An addict, sure, but what does that really mean?
Yet another excuse for pissing life away into a gutter?
Clearly you are the wiser; let's hear your reasoning
How one with "so much promise" could tumble so violently into
Death.
I escaped.
By God's grace I found my footing and ran
With renewed strength and hope I presumed nonexistent
I am constantly met with resistance
But I refuse to go down without a fight.
I keep running, keep pushing myself forward
I sometimes have to remind myself of where I've been
In order to understand how far I've truly come
I reflect.
I've witnessed evil far beyond even my own comprehension
I've observed blackness in the hearts of men
Their torment was my own, torturous knots around my heart
Became a blanket of shame to shield me from icy winds
Which brought with them an endless storm of black rage
I was consumed.
And just as the fire threatened to turn me to ash
A hand reached into the flames to spare and deliver me unscathed..
Scarcely smelling like smoke, not a hair singed
I wake to greet another day; to start anew.
Rejuvenated, filled with fresh purpose and life
Tell me, now, as you slap labels across my forehead
How you "know" of these depths I've indwelled
How I am blessed enough to have overcome them
Tell me that you know how it feels to wake up each day
And experience the world, as if for the first time,
With a brand new pair of eyes, ears and lungs?
Yes, I am an addict. Addiction does not happen by accident.
Initially, a person does make the choice to use a drug or drink
But sometimes a physiological component takes over
Until you can no longer control your indulgence
It can sweep over you as though a suffocating wave
Swallowing you whole.
Some people, like myself, are fortunate enough to surface
And find the air, some footing and an anchor to grab hold of
Others sink down into the depths and drown in their misery
I've seen it happen to people I love and care dearly for
It is happening all around us; lives claimed every day
By a disease, an addiction.
And yet we drive by a dozen billboards a day
Sporting advertising campaigns that make drinking look "cool"
Hollywood loves to prostitute the American Dream
And media is leading the bandwagon promoting messages
That say "Everyone drinks," "Just throw back a few beers,
Then you'll really have a good time".
And in microscopic print in the bottom corner of the billboard,
"Please drink responsibly", but you've already driven past
Without giving it a moment's notice.
In a society that demands more and more
And a culture that screams overindulgence
We love to pull the blanket over our eyes and
Shield ourselves from the epidemic that consumes
Countless lives every day.
Yet you spit me out of your mouth with disgust
Thinking me a wasted existence, and you've your ego boost
At my expense. You go about your day
Slathered with layers of makeup, topped off
With your Prada bag and a plastic Barbie doll figure
Blending in with the other mindless idiots that surround you
Believing whatever billboards and advertisements tell you
Beauty, for you, is defined by airbrushed models
You read about in magazines and admire on TV
Something unattainable, and yet you strive for
Society's definition of "perfection"
Finding only emptiness as you chase after the wind
And yet you pity me?
I'll leave you with a parting thought, passerby,
Then I'll be on my merry way.
I am breathing. I am alive.
Are you?
Never one word from my mouth, yet you assume who I am
Calculating, in your arrogance, the sorry tragedy I must be
A waste of life, surely, to find my existence among such chaos
You stare at the interlock in my car and say to yourself,
"Oh, she's one of.. those," and quickly look away
Casting me off into the abyss, and scoff as I land
In a heaping pile of meaningless, decaying rubble
An addict, sure, but what does that really mean?
Yet another excuse for pissing life away into a gutter?
Clearly you are the wiser; let's hear your reasoning
How one with "so much promise" could tumble so violently into
Death.
I escaped.
By God's grace I found my footing and ran
With renewed strength and hope I presumed nonexistent
I am constantly met with resistance
But I refuse to go down without a fight.
I keep running, keep pushing myself forward
I sometimes have to remind myself of where I've been
In order to understand how far I've truly come
I reflect.
I've witnessed evil far beyond even my own comprehension
I've observed blackness in the hearts of men
Their torment was my own, torturous knots around my heart
Became a blanket of shame to shield me from icy winds
Which brought with them an endless storm of black rage
I was consumed.
And just as the fire threatened to turn me to ash
A hand reached into the flames to spare and deliver me unscathed..
Scarcely smelling like smoke, not a hair singed
I wake to greet another day; to start anew.
Rejuvenated, filled with fresh purpose and life
Tell me, now, as you slap labels across my forehead
How you "know" of these depths I've indwelled
How I am blessed enough to have overcome them
Tell me that you know how it feels to wake up each day
And experience the world, as if for the first time,
With a brand new pair of eyes, ears and lungs?
Yes, I am an addict. Addiction does not happen by accident.
Initially, a person does make the choice to use a drug or drink
But sometimes a physiological component takes over
Until you can no longer control your indulgence
It can sweep over you as though a suffocating wave
Swallowing you whole.
Some people, like myself, are fortunate enough to surface
And find the air, some footing and an anchor to grab hold of
Others sink down into the depths and drown in their misery
I've seen it happen to people I love and care dearly for
It is happening all around us; lives claimed every day
By a disease, an addiction.
And yet we drive by a dozen billboards a day
Sporting advertising campaigns that make drinking look "cool"
Hollywood loves to prostitute the American Dream
And media is leading the bandwagon promoting messages
That say "Everyone drinks," "Just throw back a few beers,
Then you'll really have a good time".
And in microscopic print in the bottom corner of the billboard,
"Please drink responsibly", but you've already driven past
Without giving it a moment's notice.
In a society that demands more and more
And a culture that screams overindulgence
We love to pull the blanket over our eyes and
Shield ourselves from the epidemic that consumes
Countless lives every day.
Yet you spit me out of your mouth with disgust
Thinking me a wasted existence, and you've your ego boost
At my expense. You go about your day
Slathered with layers of makeup, topped off
With your Prada bag and a plastic Barbie doll figure
Blending in with the other mindless idiots that surround you
Believing whatever billboards and advertisements tell you
Beauty, for you, is defined by airbrushed models
You read about in magazines and admire on TV
Something unattainable, and yet you strive for
Society's definition of "perfection"
Finding only emptiness as you chase after the wind
And yet you pity me?
I'll leave you with a parting thought, passerby,
Then I'll be on my merry way.
I am breathing. I am alive.
Are you?
I really don't know if this is any good, or if it even makes sense. I'm pretty exhausted but I'm forcing myself to write this because it's something I need to get off my chest. It deals with the stigmas I've faced along my journey towards recovery from alcohol addiction. I honestly never thought I was an addict.. until I became sober and realized how much of my life I'd thrown away, how many sorrows I'd drowned with a bottle. It never occurred to me that this was damaging, because everyone I knew was doing the same thing. Liquor is so easily accessible, I don't know if you can pass by a single street corner in my town without passing a liquor store. I'm not saying that makes it ok, and plenty of people are able to drink in moderation.
I am not one of those people. There is a genetic predisposition to addiction, what with my family history, but addiction can happen to ANYONE. It always starts with just one. And then one becomes another, and just one more, and another, until you lose yourself completely.
I've had a lot of time to reflect on my life, now that I have been sober for a year and a half (truthfully, I've had one relapse) and my entire life has changed. My moods, my health, creativity, friends, priorities, leisurely activities, interests and focus.. all changed.
In my case, change is what separated me from life and certain death. I don't know how many car accidents I've been in (or nearly been in) due to drinking and driving. The thing is, I NEVER intended to drink and drive. But once I crossed the threshold and lost my ability to rationalize in my incoherent, drunken state of mind, no one could stand in my way. I was driving home.
Thank GOD I never harmed anyone except myself. I get judged on this aspect of my life more than any other. I have dealt with the shame of my illness and the lack of judgment more than I can ever fully express. THIS is why I'm opening up this part of me and sharing my story. It can happen to ANYONE. Anyone who takes a drink, and thinks they are "ok" enough to drive home. I've adopted the "no tolerance" policy, because it's the only one that works for me. I do not entertain any other option. It's a choice I had to make, and people assume that once you make that choice to be sober, that it should be easy from there on out.
It's not. Every day is a struggle, maybe some days less than others. You have to fill the void left by drinking (and it IS a void, when it becomes a way of life, something you do regularly our of sheer boredom or just for something to do without even thinking twice of any consequences), and for me, I've basically tried to make myself as busy as possible. I'm a mom now, which keeps me plenty busy, but I've really pursued photography with a passion since I quit drinking, and also started going to a church that I love and feel a part of, started taking part in bible studies.. being outdoors more.. boredom and loneliness are the tickets back to addiction. I'm not out of the woods yet. This is just the beginning of the healing process. I can still feel temptation knocking at the door everywhere I turn. I hate it. I wish I could escape it. But it's there, beckoning me to "just have one drink, you'll be okay".
Never believe the lies.
I am not one of those people. There is a genetic predisposition to addiction, what with my family history, but addiction can happen to ANYONE. It always starts with just one. And then one becomes another, and just one more, and another, until you lose yourself completely.
I've had a lot of time to reflect on my life, now that I have been sober for a year and a half (truthfully, I've had one relapse) and my entire life has changed. My moods, my health, creativity, friends, priorities, leisurely activities, interests and focus.. all changed.
In my case, change is what separated me from life and certain death. I don't know how many car accidents I've been in (or nearly been in) due to drinking and driving. The thing is, I NEVER intended to drink and drive. But once I crossed the threshold and lost my ability to rationalize in my incoherent, drunken state of mind, no one could stand in my way. I was driving home.
Thank GOD I never harmed anyone except myself. I get judged on this aspect of my life more than any other. I have dealt with the shame of my illness and the lack of judgment more than I can ever fully express. THIS is why I'm opening up this part of me and sharing my story. It can happen to ANYONE. Anyone who takes a drink, and thinks they are "ok" enough to drive home. I've adopted the "no tolerance" policy, because it's the only one that works for me. I do not entertain any other option. It's a choice I had to make, and people assume that once you make that choice to be sober, that it should be easy from there on out.
It's not. Every day is a struggle, maybe some days less than others. You have to fill the void left by drinking (and it IS a void, when it becomes a way of life, something you do regularly our of sheer boredom or just for something to do without even thinking twice of any consequences), and for me, I've basically tried to make myself as busy as possible. I'm a mom now, which keeps me plenty busy, but I've really pursued photography with a passion since I quit drinking, and also started going to a church that I love and feel a part of, started taking part in bible studies.. being outdoors more.. boredom and loneliness are the tickets back to addiction. I'm not out of the woods yet. This is just the beginning of the healing process. I can still feel temptation knocking at the door everywhere I turn. I hate it. I wish I could escape it. But it's there, beckoning me to "just have one drink, you'll be okay".
Never believe the lies.
© 2011 - 2024 skyeconnelly
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