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Since I am somewhat insane, I decide that it wasn't enough to just do NaNo this month, I was going to write other things as well. This is one of them, but you can hardly blame me for entering LITPlease's Splendid Scripts contest, since I haven't written a script in a long time. Details on the contest can be found here [link] .
Many, many thanks to
who has read this from the first, really boring and short draft, and worked with me to get it to this stage. I really appreciate it. 
...Now, I have 1625 words to write before I go to bed, so I had best get to it (too bad this can't count as part of those...)
Many, many thanks to
who has read this from the first, really boring and short draft, and worked with me to get it to this stage. I really appreciate it. ...Now, I have 1625 words to write before I go to bed, so I had best get to it (too bad this can't count as part of those...)
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© 2011 - 2024 LadyBrookeCelebwen
Comments35
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First off, congratulations on placing first in the Splendid Scripts contest!
(And I’m sorry this critique took AGES. I feel awful.
)
I just wanted to start out by pointing out a couple typo-y tidbits.
P5. “read” with blood
P7. “after the exit”
Also, there were a few places in the dialogue that could have used additional commas and action lines that require periods. I’d just give it a quick read-through out loud.
On to the actual critique…
Your plot line is quite tight. Reminds me of The Exorcist. Really nice tension throughout. Some really horrific bits. The courtroom jargon is convincingly realistic and seems like you’ve done your research. (Only one beat at the beginning where I thought the objection should have come a line sooner, but maybe the DA’s just a bad lawyer.)
Intriguing protagonist. We aren’t really rooting for her so much as observing her descent into madness in a fly on the wall sort of way. I kind of like that. Depends on what you’re going for. If you want to build some sympathy, we need to spend a little more time with her getting to know her sans masked masters. I think the ending would have more impact if that were the case.
Throughout, I wanted you to describe the masks. That would really set the tone of the story, as they’re such an important aspect of it. Are they stage masks? Wool masks that criminals wear? Demonic masks? Their appearance will sway the audience as to whether she’s really hallucinating or not as well.
My major qualm is with the script format. Is this a stage play or a screenplay? It’s sort of in an in between world right now. If it’s a screenplay you need to lose the “Scene 1” etc openings and replace them with slug lines. If it’s a stage play, usually the dialogue is left-aligned and written after a colon and action description tends to be italicized. If it’s a stage on film, you still need slug lines, but you can describe the set as though it were a real set (as you seem to have done). If it is in fact a screenplay, I’d be more than happy to give you some format tips.
All in all, this is a very quick, enjoyable read with tension that isn’t easily captured by a script format. Well done. I’d love to read a future draft.
(And I’m sorry this critique took AGES. I feel awful.
)I just wanted to start out by pointing out a couple typo-y tidbits.
P5. “read” with blood
P7. “after the exit”
Also, there were a few places in the dialogue that could have used additional commas and action lines that require periods. I’d just give it a quick read-through out loud.
On to the actual critique…
Your plot line is quite tight. Reminds me of The Exorcist. Really nice tension throughout. Some really horrific bits. The courtroom jargon is convincingly realistic and seems like you’ve done your research. (Only one beat at the beginning where I thought the objection should have come a line sooner, but maybe the DA’s just a bad lawyer.)
Intriguing protagonist. We aren’t really rooting for her so much as observing her descent into madness in a fly on the wall sort of way. I kind of like that. Depends on what you’re going for. If you want to build some sympathy, we need to spend a little more time with her getting to know her sans masked masters. I think the ending would have more impact if that were the case.
Throughout, I wanted you to describe the masks. That would really set the tone of the story, as they’re such an important aspect of it. Are they stage masks? Wool masks that criminals wear? Demonic masks? Their appearance will sway the audience as to whether she’s really hallucinating or not as well.
My major qualm is with the script format. Is this a stage play or a screenplay? It’s sort of in an in between world right now. If it’s a screenplay you need to lose the “Scene 1” etc openings and replace them with slug lines. If it’s a stage play, usually the dialogue is left-aligned and written after a colon and action description tends to be italicized. If it’s a stage on film, you still need slug lines, but you can describe the set as though it were a real set (as you seem to have done). If it is in fact a screenplay, I’d be more than happy to give you some format tips.
All in all, this is a very quick, enjoyable read with tension that isn’t easily captured by a script format. Well done. I’d love to read a future draft.