My To-Do List -- Last Updated January 19, 2012
FAQ -- last updated February 4, 2010
Commission Info
Looking for a roommate for BotCon 2012 in Dallas, Texas! Note for details!
I'm not dumb, I just have a command of thoroughly useless information. -- Calvin, The Days Are Just Packed
Morning.
I opened my eyes and stared at my alarm clock, vaguely feeling that there was something important about today, but unable to realize what. Friday, I knew that much, which meant I had today off work... nobody's birthday was today as far as I could remember... there weren't any holidays or special events planned for today, were there?
Then it hit me -- January 27th. Rabbit Hole Day. The one day out of the year when reality came unglued at the seams. The day when something in my world went funky for the day, when anything could happen.
I rolled over and stared up at the posters on my ceiling, wondering what today had in store for me. Previous years had always been interesting, to say the very least. The first year I had learned about Rabbit Hole Day, the Stunticons had shown up at my house and abducted me for a day of shenanigans. The second year, I had slipped out of my body and lived temporarily as my Decepticon counterpart in another universe. And the third year, I had played reluctant hostess to an army of miniature Decepticons who had proceeded to terrorize my workplace. And I hadn't been the only one to experience odd happenings -- others, too, had lived through a day of madness.
I had tried to prepare for every eventuality last night -- I had packed a bag with a change of clothes, some food, and cash in case another Cybertronian showed up expecting a joy ride; I had set out a notebook in order to immediately record whatever happened to me if I shifted to another reality; and I had stocked up our gas cans with a few different grades of fuel and diesel to appease any robotic guests that might show up. I figured that about had my bases covered.
I sat up, nudging the dog out of bed with my leg, and pushed the covers back. Might as well shower, get dressed, and face whatever was in store for today. Good thing I had today off...
"Starflight."
That voice... it boomed metallically, and it froze my blood. I was as familiar with it as the voices of my own family, but to hear it now...
Hands grabbed my arms, forcing them behind my back. I swore and kicked out at my attackers, my feet hitting what felt like metal before an electric shock seared through my body.
As my vision faded to black, I caught sight of a face looming over mine... a face sheathed in black steel.
***
I woke up to a splitting headache, a nasty metallic taste in my mouth, and my hands manacled to the wall. Not a good combination.
"The prisoner is awake, Lord Vader."
"Oh, this is NOT happening," I moaned, opening my eyes.
It was happening. I was in a small cell with walls and floor of dark steel, the doorway blocked by a towering man in black armor and cloak, whose eternally-scowling mask fixed me with a look that made my insides clench. Stormtroopers flanked the Dark Lord, as still as cardboard cutouts, their bone-white armor gleaming and looking starkly out of place next to Vader's blackness. The scene before me was so iconic, so much like something out of a poster or comic, that for a moment I could only stare transfixed, far more awed than frightened.
The moment ended when Vader raised a hand, gesturing to the troops, and they turned and strode out of the cell, shutting the door behind them.
There are a number of things I could have said at that moment, but for some reason my mouth opted for the stupidest of the lot: "I thought you'd be taller."
"You may dispense with the clever commentary, Starflight," Vader thundered, and I swore I could see him glaring at me through the mask. "I am here to put you back on schedule."
"Um... what?" I'm not my sharpest first thing in the morning, especially right after I've been forcibly knocked out and dragged before one of the most infamous villains of all time.
Vader stepped closer, the cloak unfurling like wings behind him. "Do not think your actions in your own universe have gone unnoticed, Starflight. Your shift in loyalties has caught our attention, and we intend to set things right."
"Shift in..." I scrambled to make sense of what he was implying. As a Star Wars fan I had always considered myself rather neutral -- while my ideals matched the Alliance's, the Empire just had cooler characters. And to be honest, most of the Jedi were obnoxious characters...
Then it hit me, and I only just managed to stop myself from laughing. "Lord Vader, I switched to the Transformers fandom five years ago. Why did it take until NOW for you to do anything about it?"
"Because we believed the shift would be temporary." Vader now stood directly over me, the lenses of his mask locked to my optics. "Your attention had drifted before, but it had always come back. Dragonriders of Pern, Eragon, Harry Potter, Xanth, Calvin and Hobbes... each time your loyalty shifted to another fandom, it was always transitory. You always returned to our world, writing stories, giving us your devotion. And when the Transformers caught your eye, we did nothing, assuming you would lose interest soon enough." His fist clenched, metallic joints popping beneath the glossy leather glove. "We were wrong."
"I... I just ran out of inspiration," I squeaked out, having to force the words out. "I'd run my Star Wars muse into the ground, and the Transformers universe was brimming with possibility... not that Star Wars is boring, I still love it! But I no longer had the urge to write about it..."
"You left stories unfinished," Vader interrupted, voice cold with fury. "You had other tales planned that never saw the light of day. And we will have those stories, Starflight. You WILL return to us. It IS your destiny."
I gulped again, knowing he had a point. Once my Star Wars muse had been tapped dry, I had practically abandoned the fandom, deleting my blog and leaving those who had loved my Star Wars stories out in the cold, so to speak. And I'd had other tales planned in this universe that would never be written -- a Calvin and Hobbes crossover, a vampiric Vader story, a sequel to Heir to the Ring, a crossover with Heralds of Valdemar... But he WAS exaggerating a bit. I'd only ever left one story unfinished, and it had been a Harry Potter fic, not Star Wars. I may have jumped fandoms, but I'd at least had the decency to finish Walk Like Men before leaving entirely...
"I'm sorry," I told him, "but I can't just switch back. I don't have the inspiration for more Star Wars stories, unless it's a crossover with Transformers. Maybe someday... but not now."
The temperature in the cell seemed to drop by ten degrees, and I thought I saw Vader smile darkly. "Then perhaps I can find new ways to motivate you."
And with that, the Dark Lord turned and strode out of the cell.
I blew out my breath in a gusty sigh and hung from my shackles, wondering just how I was going to get out of this mess.
***
"Mornin', Sleepin' Beauty!"
"GAAAAH!" I jerked awake... which turned out to be a mistake. I swore loudly, stunned for a moment from whacking my head against the wall of my cell. "Ow... fraggit..."
"You could have been gentle about it." That voice wasn't the same as the voice that had awakened me. While the first voice had sounded rather redneckish and male, this one was a cool female tone, far more refined and elegant.
"Sorry, miss," the first voice replied, "but don't she gotta be awake for this?"
"Awake, yes, in hysterics, no," the second voice answered.
"Awake for what, torture?" I groaned, opening my eyes. I had a good inkling of what "new ways to motivate" meant, and even though I have a moderately high pain tolerance, I knew this wasn't going to be pleasant in any way, shape, or form.
Two strange beings stood before me, both looking bizarrely out of place even in the Star Wars universe. One actually stood within the cell, a slender-limbed white animal vaguely horse-like in shape, but with a more delicate build, a lion-like tail, and a spiraling horn on its brow. The other filled the doorway, a rusted-out tow truck with cartoonish eyes and a huge grin plastered on its front bumper. The truck grinned enthusiastically at me while the unicorn simply rolled her eyes at him.
"Mater!" I exclaimed. "Amalthea! What are you two doing here?"
"I only go by that name in my human form," Amalthea insisted, her tail switching irritably. "And we're here to free you."
"Me?" I gulped.
"Shoot, there ain't any other writers in this impound, are there?" Mater asked, his grin never fading. "'Specially writers who spread the love 'cross a bunch of universes 'stead of just one! Now let's go, th' guards aren't gonna be distracted for long."
Amalthea lowered her head and touched the tip of her horn to the manacle over my right wrist. Immediately it popped open, and I drew my hand down with a sigh. I was going to have a nasty sore there... thank goodness I hadn't been struggling too hard and wasn't bleeding.
"Dare I ask who you got to distract the guards?" I asked as the unicorn opened the other bond.
"Oh, some kid with a tiger an' a squirt gun, flyin' around in a cardboard box," Mater explained. "Seem to be doin' a pretty good job..."
"We can explain more later," Amalthea cut in. "Let's go."
Mater turned around, and I climbed into his truck bed, hanging on tightly to the tow arm as he took off down the corridors, hooting and whooping the whole time. So much for a quiet escape... Amalthea galloped alongside us, mane streaming, looking achingly graceful as always.
The guard station wasn't empty as expected -- a short blond kid in a red shirt and black pants stood on the computer terminal, holding a squirt gun aloft in triumph, while a scruffy, gangly-looking tiger punched buttons at random on the doors to the lift. And to my astonishment, chickens were wandering the brig, making indignant squawks as they scattered before us.
"Calvin!" I exclaimed. "Hobbes!"
"That's us," the kid replied, jumping down from the console and almost landing on a chicken. "About time you got here -- the Transmogrifier Gun is almost out of power. We got enough left for one more shot. Nice pajamas, by the way."
"Oh, thanks," I replied, looking down at my Transformer PJs with a grin. "And thanks for the distraction."
"We take tuna and cookies in payment," Hobbes put in, looking over from the lift. "But later -- I think the lift's stuck, we might have to find another way..."
Before he could finish, a slender red laser pierced the lift doors. As I stared in befuddlement the laser slid down to the floor, cutting open the doors to reveal...
"WALL-E!"
"Thanks, lil' guy!" Mater grinned.
The little robot ducked his head shyly, lacing his pincers together. If he had a face, he would have blushed at the attention. Then he backed away from the door to let our group crowd in, nudging chickens out of the way as we did so. It was a rather tight fit, but we made it okay.
As Calvin and I huddled in Mater's truck bed, I pondered this odd assortment of characters I was stuck with. Why this random assortment? As far as I knew, none of these universes had anything to do with one another, except that the Cars and WALL-E universes both came from Pixar. About the only other thing they had in common was...
Was that I'd written fanfic for each of them.
I turned to Hobbes, who was lounged out by the tailgate as if he hadn't a care in the world. My expression must have given my thoughts away, because he offered a rare smile.
"Call this a thank-you for the story," he explained. "We appreciate the attention."
Before I could ask anything further, the lift doors opened to sheer chaos. A multiversial war was taking place on the bridge of a Stardestroyer -- stormtroopers firing upon wizards from Harry Potter, officers being chased around the brig by the towering dragons of Pern, the centaurs and harpies of Xanth wreaking havoc wherever they could. Behind a computer terminal I could see Shaggy and Scooby cowering in terror, and toward the back of the bridge Darth Vader was engaged in a fierce duel with Eragon, his red saber sparking and flashing every time it connected with the rider's enchanted blue blade. It took me a minute to remember that I'd written an Eragon poem years ago, so whatever powers that be must have decided that counted as a fanfic...
"The distraction looks to be well underway," Amalthea noted. "Come... to our escape ship!"
"This is a lot of effort to go through to rescue one author," I noted. "Not that I'm complaining..."
"Then don't," Amalthea replied. "Simply consider this our show of gratitude for the attention. Besides... I rather like the thought of being reunited with the prince in my future." I don't know how a non-cartoony equine face can smile, but she managed it.
"An' that was cool stuff right there when I got to take on Megatron!" Mater gushed. "Uh, don't tell 'im I said that..."
"And it's good to know Hobbes and I will still be together even when I'm grown up," Calvin added.
"You've done a lot for us in your stories," Amalthia finished. "We'd be rude to not show our thanks in some way." And with that, she took off at a gallop, Mater close behind.
Well... this was unexpected. I always figured that if any of the characters I wrote about ever met me face to face, I could expect a punch in the jaw as payback for some of the torment I'd put them through over the years. To know that they actually LIKED having fanfic written about them... that was a surprise, but also a compliment. And I supposed even Vader abducting me and actually planning on "motivating" me into writing more was a weird sort of compliment in itself...
A cluster of stormtroopers blocked the doorway leading into the hangar. "Halt!"
Mater slowed, as if complying with the order, then laughed and punched the gas. The troopers scattered in every direction as the truck barreled through their ranks and into the hangar, where two vehicles awaited us -- a white shuttle trimmed in scarlet, and a blue F-15 jet.
"Thundercracker is your ride home," Amalthea explained to me as I hopped down from Mater's truck bed. "The rest of us will depart aboard Skyfire."
"Are you sure?" I asked. "Vader's not one to mess with..."
"We'll be fine, miss," Mater assured me, raising a tire and gently bumping me in what I guessed was a friendly gesture. "You go on. We'll get th' others an' be out of here in a jiffy..."
Hobbes hissed, his fur standing out on end and his teeth baring, and WALL-E gave a shriek of fright and collapsed to his cube form. I whirled to see Darth Vader entering the hangar just after us. His cape was ripped in a few places and there was a deep gash in his right arm that exposed wires and metal, but otherwise he seemed to have come out of his duel with the dragon rider unscathed. He extinguished his saber and clipped it to his belt, then extended a hand in my direction.
"There is no escape," he boomed. "You will return to our fandom. I have foreseen it. Join me! Or you will watch these characters suffer..."
ZAP!
I blinked in surprise, staring at Darth Vader... or rather, at the rather bedraggled-looking black goat that had taken his place. The goat blinked in return, shaking its head and making an annoyed BLAAT sound.
"What?" Calvin demanded, lowering his Transmogrifier Gun. "I wasn't going to stand around and let him asphyxiate me?"
"How does a six-year-old know the word asphyxiate?" I demanded. "Wait, never mind... thanks, kid."
"Told you I had one more shot," he replied.
"Well, that was anticlimatic." That had come from the blue jet. "Was rather expecting more of a fight."
"I think we all know what the outcome of a Vader vs. Starflight fight would be," I replied. "Me getting my aft handed to me. Nice to see you again for Rabbit Hole Day, by the way. Thanks."
"Let's not make this a yearly thing," Thundercracker replied, popping open his cockpit. "Get in. Let's get you home."
I started to climb up to the cockpit, then hesitated. "Give me a moment?"
"Hurry," he replied.
I hopped down and approached the Dark Lord, being careful to keep a safe distance in case he got it in his head to charge me. I wasn't sure if he could still use the Force in this form, but best to be safe, I figured. Luckily, the worst I got was a rather grouchy glower before Amalthea interposed herself between him and me and lowered her horn, keeping him at bay.
"Lord Vader... just because I've started writing for another fandom doesn't mean I've abandoned Star Wars entirely. I still love the saga -- not so sure about most of the Expanded Universe, but the movies will always have a special place in my heart. And there's always the chance that I'll revisit your world in another story someday. But until then... a little patience? Forcing a story is the surest way to kill it."
Vader snorted, but nodded. He understood, even if he didn't exactly like it. Then he tilted his head in Calvin's direction.
"Sorry, it's out of juice," the kid replied with a cheeky grin. "It should wear off overnight, though."
The Dark Goat blatted angrily before slinking off... as much as a goat can slink, anyhow.
Mater somehow managed to wait until Vader was out of sight before bursting out laughing. "I don't care where yer from, that's funny right there!"
"You'd think it funny," Amalthea noted coolly.
I just laughed as I climbed up into Thundercracker's cockpit, settling in. "Thank you so much, you guys. I owe you."
"A sequel?" Calvin asked excitedly.
"We'll see," I replied. "You guys take care, all right?"
"Until all are one," said Amalthea, inclining her head regally.
"See ya!" Mater gushed, waving his tow cable excitedly. WALL-E, too, waved, making a happy cooing sound. Calvin and Hobbes were too busy fighting over who got to drive the cardboard-box time machine home to say anything.
Thundercracker took off with a roar of thrusters, and I gripped my seat and braced myself for the ride home.
***
"I'm home," I groaned, staggering into the kitchen. "I'm going back to bed, I don't feel well..."
"Where'd you go?" asked Mom, looking up from her computer. "Don't tell me you went out in your pajamas."
"Um... Walmart, we were out of a couple things. But they didn't have them there, so I'll try another store later. And eh... people go to Walmart in their pajamas all the time."
"If you make it onto the People of Walmart site, you know I'm posting it on Facebook."
"And I'll probably repost it," I replied. "See you in a bit."
"All right... sorry your day off hasn't been more exciting."
Oh, if you only knew, Mom... if you only knew...
Art Feature -- Cthulu
