MASS EFFECT 3: (I Should Go...)

"Wake up".



The words stretched out into infinity and bounced back, echoing in my aching, dripping skull. A thousand jack-hammers. The muted burst of a Turian heavy-class freighter, probably closer than the rest of the battle. God, my ribs. I felt like I had landed on a bear-trap. But... it wasn't so warm by my side anymore. The blood on my left hand was dried and cracked, a black smeared stain... Did I fall onto some medi-gel or something? I wish it could have done some thing for the pain. I didn't think I could wake up, let alone address the voice.



...Where have I heard that voice before?



Against every protesting muscle, nerve and wound, I rolled over to my side, and tried to sit up. If I could do that, maybe I could struggle to a crouch, I thought. Didn't work out quite as well as I'd hoped. Thought I would cough up a lung. Very bad. Made it through worse, but-

I realized I was starting to think like a "scientist-Salarian."

I still couldn't see much more than a pair of lights in front of me. At least when I wasn't in the fetal position. More than once I collided against the coldest floor I've ever known. And I've been on ice-worlds. But it was colder behind me, farther away from The Voice.



The first knee. The sharp rebuttal. And then the second. Every movement was met with a vicious objection by my internal organs. I've done a lot of things, but I didn't think I could stand up again. I was barely on my feet, hunched over in front of what looked like a VI. But unlike any I've seen. What I noticed immediately was how small it was. The size of a small child. It looked kind of like him, actually. I fought against my inward collapse and forced out a few words.



"...Who... are you?". It answered: "I am the Catalyst." Even in the pain I was going through, I could tell this wasn't adding up. "I thought...", and then the familiar stabbing sensation in my midriff. "Urgh.... I thought... the Citadel was the Catalyst."



"I am.", it told me. It sounded proud of itself... I thought maybe the ringing in my right ear made me hear him funny. "What?", I spat out. "...You mean... You're the Citadel?" "Yes. And I must say, it's an honour to finally meet you.". It gave an explanation I felt more than I could hear, even through my body failing:

"The Crucible has only allowed me sentience for a brief time, but I've always known what you were doing for the galaxy, and for me. I know it's been a long and difficult journey, but I want you to know that your efforts haven't gone unnoticed. Or unappreciated."



The way he spoke, I could swear that everyone else in the universe could hear him. If I was in better shape, I might have been flattered. But all I could think about was the pain and the mission... well, and another matter that needed clarification.



"...Why...?", I stopped to recover long enough to choose my words. "...Why do you look like-?" "A child. Every child you could not save.", he answered. Did he know? "I have evolved. The crucible has given me sentience, and with it a conscience. I may not feel empathy or sympathy as you know it, but I know you are in a lot of pain. You have shouldered the burden of death for so long. I am here, in this form, to take some of that burden away. I am here to tell you that you can set things right. You can make sure that those who died to bring you here will not have died needlessly. "



Childlike, and yet the reverberations of a being as old as time itself. "You aren't... helping the Reapers?" It seemed upset by this. "They have used me as a weapon, a blunt tool to eradicate sentient life. I have seen the rise and fall of almost every civilization. Except for those who created me. I do not claim to understand the Reapers's motivation, but I have been their method for extermination. That was never my choice. It will not bring the dead back, but I would try to redeem myself for my part in the cycles."



"You don't know why they... they do this?". I was pushing it. I was always pushing the limits of what I could do, but even this was too much. "If I had to guess...", it answered. "...it might be a means of curbing overpopulation... But I doubt the answers would help us here."



He was right. Every second we spoke, more men, women and children were dying. More friends and enemies lost. I had to fight for every breath, every second of consciousness left in me. I've always wanted answers and results, but if I had to choose between the two...



"I need your help...", I said, unable to hide my weakened state. A commanding officer should not show too much weakness, but there was no hiding this. There was no time. I've never sounded more vulnerable. "And you shall have it.", the Citadel told me. "In the short time I have been awake, I have assembled a few options... But I must warn you...", it told me, and I knew nothing good would come from this. The death-knell.



"These solutions are not ideal. I know you've thought about destroying the Reapers.", he continued, pointing to a red control panel. "Using the Mass Relays, I could send out an electromagnetic pulse. This would permanently disable every synthetic in the galaxy."



But wait-



"But that would destroy the Geth.", I objected, and he seemed to share my distaste with this method. "Yes... And there is no way to determine how this will affect organics with synthetic or biotic implants." I asked, nursing the crippling pain in my stomach: "What else?"



"If I make the right adjustments, I can tune into a certain frequency the Reapers operate on. You could use that command station over there...", he explained, pointing to a platform twenty metres away, with two nodules connected by lightning. "...and tap into the Reaper's thought-processes." "What... what would...?", the pain was getting to be too much for me now. "You could control them." There had to be a catch.



"But...", I knew it. "...this method is largely untested. I can't say what would happen, if you would survive the process, or if it would even work. And even if it did, you might only have time to send one direct order before being indoctrinated, or worse. I know they have no self-destruct protocols, so you could trick them into thinking the cycle is finished." Aha. "...and they would retreat back into dark space.", I answered, understanding without endorsing.

"...But they would just come back..." "Exactly", he said, sounding as if he wanted to let out a sigh. "It would be a band-aid solution, leaving those in the next cycle to suffer."



"That can't be-", I was in too much agony, and I was long past the borders of patience. "There has to be another way.". I waited for a response that never came.

"You can't...", I would risk some anger. "You can't tell me that's it. That can't be the only options we have. I promised everyone... I promised I'd save everyone. Including the Geth. I promised I'd destroy the Reaper threat, permanently...". I argued and argued, on behalf of those who could not. We had come too far. We had lost too much. This could not be the way. "I can't let them down now."



The Citadel became defensive. "I'm sorry! I know it's not what you want, I know it's not what organics deserve, but this is the best I could do on short notice!" "Can't you... The first option, can't you work to make the signal home in on the Reapers?", I pleaded. "It would take time.", he answered. "Then do it!".



I turned, and limped back to the Citadel beam. One hobbled step at a time, I started to put distance between myself and the Catalyst. "Wait!", he cried out. "Where are you going?". "Reverse the beam... Send me-", another spasm. "Ugh... Damn it... Send me back to Earth.". His blue and white luminous steps grew closer to mine. "Shepard, if I do this, I can help save the rest of the galaxy. But not before Earth is overwhelmed. You do understand what I'm saying, don't you?"



I did. And at that moment, I could not even pretend to care. "By the time I can get this solution worked out, Earth will be consumed. You, and everyone you care about will die.", and so on and so on. And in a way, he was right. What would the people on Earth care if the Geth had to die? What would they care if I sentenced future generations to this misery, just to buy us some time?



"Shepard... are you sure this is the right choice?"



Wrex and Ashley stood by me in my darkest place. Wrex told me to take this chance, to make the tough choice, and save trillions. Sacrifices had to be made. It was one thing for me to be too cowardly to save his people, if I couldn't do this, because it was too easy, then I didn't deserve to be followed. I didn't deserve to get out of that colony alive...

"You're going to throw away the people fighting for you on Earth? The people who believe in you and depend on you, just to save a bunch of talking toasters? Or some people you'll never meet?"



Ashley disagreed. For some reason, she didn't say a word. She didn't have to. I stopped just in front of the re-activated Citadel beam, to look at my other options one more time. I saw the glowing child, who only wanted to repay a kindness. And I thought to myself:

You're right, Ashley. You were always right. We didn't prepare ourselves to die for a cause that was convenient. It can't just be about what we want. If we're going to live or die, it has to be for the right reasons. 

That's why I chose Kaidan. That's why I'm doing this. That's why I'm going to take my chances on Earth, hold those bastards off for as long as we can, and give the rest of the galaxy the time they need. That's why I'm going to die with the people I care about most.



I'm doing this, because I know it's what you would have done in my place. That's how I know I've made the right choice.

"...I should go..."