Rules for DnD Sessions

This isn't really a "how-to-play" guide or anything. This is just a list of rules I expect my players to follow when dealing with other players and myself during our sessions. It's pretty common sense stuff that's probably been said a hundred times before, for the most part, but if you're not sure about a certain rule, please contact me and I will clarify.

• Out-of-Character ≠ In-Character: With different alignments and motivations at play, not all characters are going to get along. This doesn't mean that the player behind the character hates you, though. In fact, some of the nicest people play the meanest characters. Don't take it out on the player or I will take it out on you, if you get what I'm saying. Speaking of which...

• The DM doesn't hate you. As a DM, I'm supposed to keep things balanced and fun for everyone. If you get taken aside because you're being a jerk or otherwise making people uncomfortable, I don't hate you. I'm immensely disappointed that you feel you need to act this way over dice and fictional characters, but I don't hate you. Similarly, if I don't let you have your way, don't whine about it and talk about being a victim. I know what I'm doing and you were probably being unreasonable. Also, can I just say that getting set aside and talked to is not a badge of honor? It means you're an insufferable dick and it's not just me that has a problem with you—it's everyone. I'm just the one with the huevos to talk to you about it.

• When bad things happen to your character, don't take it personally. As a DM, I'm supposed to make bad things happen. (Occasionally I make good things happen, too! But you gotta work for 'em.) If your character gets mauled by a monster, don't play the victim. If you wanted a game where nothing bad ever happens to you, go play with dollies, that's probably more your speed.

• This isn't a dick-measuring competition. I don't EVER want to hear about how someone else's class is "worthless" from any of my players. I don't want to hear about how another player's class is "overpowered" and how I should ban it. (If we've played a couple sessions and you do notice one character is receiving an unfair advantage IN GAME—not "in theory" but IN GAME—please do mention it to me, we can probably fix it.) People choose classes because it suits the character concept in their head, not because it's a "weak" or "powerful" class. (Or they should, if they're a good roleplayer, but I digress.) If you've done it before now, no harm no foul, but if you do this after I post this message, I will kick you out of my game and I will make a point to tell everyone I know to avoid playing with you because in my humble opinion you are the perfect storm of terrible—a gamist who doesn't know how to read.

• You can't win D&D. There is no prize for being the most badass, killing the most orcs, whatever. You could argue that "XP" and "treasure" are rewards, but guess what? I control this world, and I control who gets the XP. If you're being a gamist (that is, someone who thinks they can win D&D) you will get the same amount of XP as everyone else, regardless of how many things you killed. In fact, I may give you less just to be spiteful. I may give you a cursed item that gives your character 15 negative levels, polymorphs them into a goblin, and then have their memory erased so all they can remember how to do is knit little blue booties. If you're not going to play nice, I'm not going to play nice either, and the thing is I have a lot more power in this game than you do.

• The DM has final say in pretty much everything. I've played D&D for two years on a daily basis. I've played almost all of the base classes, I've played a lot of the prestige classes, and what I haven't played personally I've probably seen someone else play. By now, I do like to think I know what I'm doing. You don't need to instruct me on how the game is played. You don't need to teach me about how a class plays. You don't need to tell me how much XP you should get, or how you think a monster should fight, etc. I can promise you that I almost always have a reason as to why things happen that way. Please don't ask me to explain it or we'll never actually get to punch Zarus in the face. I don't play your character for you because I trust you, give me the same treatment. If you don't trust me or can't trust me, please go host your own game. The world needs more DMs anyway.

• Majority rules. Do not expect special treatment. I will not drastically change my game's schedule, plot, or game system just to suit you, a single person, so please don't ask. Similarly, if you like 4E but hate 3.5, don't waste my time or yours trying to make yourself like the system if you know you won't. You'll just end up whining constantly and whining is for little kids who don't get their way. Your "selfless sacrifice" of tolerating the system will be appreciated by absolutely zero people. Go find a group to play 4E—we'll all be much happier that way, don't you think?

• That said, I try my best to be a very nice DM. If you've got your heart set on some homebrew, a custom race, something I've said wasn't allowed before ... make your case. Chances are, I'll probably let you do it if it's not overpowered, and if it is overpowered I'll give you a chance to make it less so, or if you're unfamiliar with how the system works I'll tweak it myself. Also, if your characters have motivations they'd like to pursue beyond the main plot, let me know! I will try to give your character time to work on that, even if we have to run a private session sometime.

• Sometimes, I will describe things as such for "flavor." For example, someone stabs you at full health and takes out all but five of your HP, I'm going to say that you didn't just get stabbed—you got impaled, your lung was punctured, SOMETHING HAPPENED to explain why you've suddenly just got 5 HP. Don't flip out, don't tell me it's not there in the rules so it couldn't happen. I know. It's flavor. I'm not going to actually give you any numerical penalty for this extra description.

• However, I will give you bonus XP for playing out injuries. For example, stabbed in the lung? Have your character wheeze and have trouble catching their breath until they get healed. Again, there's no numerical penalty. It's flavor, for funsies.

• I give rewards for roleplaying. Sure, you can come in and just roll some dice and move a token around. I won't penalize you. But characters with personality, backstory, flaws, motivation...Characters that are more than a set of numbers to me will get little rewards, sometimes. It will never be a lot—usually a little bit of bonus XP, maybe an item or some extra gold your character finds—but it's my way of saying "Thanks for roleplaying, you didn't have to be creative, but you did anyway and I appreciate it." Being a DM is a thankless job, sometimes—there's always one snot-nosed dickwagon that is going to think the DM is an idiot put on earth as their personal peon—so when you guys put thought into your characters, treat my NPCs as human beings and not just as battle fodder or quest-givers, when you entertain me, it helps make up for it. It shows that you care, and I appreciate that.

• I will never railroad as a DM. If you're unfamiliar, railroading is when you force the party to go along a certain path, like a train on a track. I do not do this. If halfway through the plot the party decides to abandon their mission and go play a game of go-fish, by God, I will let you do that. The evil sorcerer may sacrifice the princess to a Dark God and end the world, but gosh darn it, you will get to play that game of cards until the apocalypse comes.

• Similarly, in-character actions get in-character consequences. You kill that quest-giver NPC for funsies? Fine. Now the whole town has made a militia to get you and no town will sell you supplies. Obviously, things will probably never be that extreme, but be prepared for them. Similarly, good deeds DO get their own reward—sometimes. Sometimes, though, you just can't please people. Be prepared for that too.

• Let's try to keep things PG-13, shall we? I have to forewarn you: My games do get kinda dark, sometimes. There is a lot of violence, some drug-use, mild sexuality and sometimes I address heavier topics or tell stories where there is no clear right and wrong and everyone loses. It's not the majority of my stories, but it does happen. That said, don't go overboard. Your character can be a big mean mother hubbard without doing cocaine and dropping F-bombs every 12 seconds. In fact, being controversial for the sake of controversy just makes you look kinda sad, like those "XTREME" cartoons in the 90s.

• Character relationships are allowed. No sex scenes though, please, because not everybody wants to see that. Relationships shouldn't dominate the adventure, either, but everybody likes a little 'shipping now and then so go for it.