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Description
My current novel W.I.P.
Status: first draft finished.
Words count so far: 46,199
Looking for: critiques!
Please critique. It would help me so much, whether your words be scathing or gentle! If you don't know what to say but would still like to say something, here are a few questions you can answer for me:
1. What do you think of the opening? Does it hook?
2. What do you think of the MC's voice? Like/dislike MC from the get-go?
3. Do the skate descriptions hinder or empower the overall feel of the book?
4. Any super-bad grammar/spelling mistakes?
5. Suggest a better title?
6. Rate out of 10?
**Note: Racial/ethnic controversy and strong language. Please bear with me.
--
Back-of-book Summary thing (if it helps)
I really didn’t know why I got on that bus. To “find” myself? No, that sounds corny. To run away? To where? I didn’t have my passport with me. I was stuck in this northern country of a couple of million people, some moose, a few mountains, and a very good view, but even a good view can’t cheer me up now.
Ashley “Ash” Chan is a 15-year-old daughter of immigrants who has had enough with life at home. When her father threatens to disown her, she decides it’s time to leave. She hops on a Grey Hound bus and doesn’t care where it takes her. All she has is a few changes of clothes, an uncounted sum of money, her skateboard, and the pride that she will kill to protect.
--
THANK YOU FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART FOR READING!!!!!
Status: first draft finished.
Words count so far: 46,199
Looking for: critiques!
Please critique. It would help me so much, whether your words be scathing or gentle! If you don't know what to say but would still like to say something, here are a few questions you can answer for me:
1. What do you think of the opening? Does it hook?
2. What do you think of the MC's voice? Like/dislike MC from the get-go?
3. Do the skate descriptions hinder or empower the overall feel of the book?
4. Any super-bad grammar/spelling mistakes?
5. Suggest a better title?
6. Rate out of 10?
**Note: Racial/ethnic controversy and strong language. Please bear with me.
--
Back-of-book Summary thing (if it helps)
I really didn’t know why I got on that bus. To “find” myself? No, that sounds corny. To run away? To where? I didn’t have my passport with me. I was stuck in this northern country of a couple of million people, some moose, a few mountains, and a very good view, but even a good view can’t cheer me up now.
Ashley “Ash” Chan is a 15-year-old daughter of immigrants who has had enough with life at home. When her father threatens to disown her, she decides it’s time to leave. She hops on a Grey Hound bus and doesn’t care where it takes her. All she has is a few changes of clothes, an uncounted sum of money, her skateboard, and the pride that she will kill to protect.
--
THANK YOU FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART FOR READING!!!!!
Mature
© 2012 - 2024 TawneyK
Comments12
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This is thoughts for my quick read through since you wish for a critique. I may have missed more but this is what I've noticed. 
I did enjoy reading it and I am looking forward to seeing more!
1. What do you think of the opening? Does it hook?
The introduction is very catching by introducing the skateboard. I suggest when you transition to the park there is some sort of thing that shows that it is transitioning from the introduction to the story. When the story started I was slightly confused.
2. What do you think of the MC's voice? Like/dislike MC from the get-go?
When it comes to the people, especially your main character I suggest adding more description and making them more three dimensional. Like when Ash moves her hair back, you include what colour/what type it is. Her voice is good, but since we don't fully know her yet, nor her personality, background, etc we aren't able to fully connect yet. This means adding more detail, so the trick is finding the niche where the detail flows and doesn't detract.
3. Do the skate descriptions hinder or empower the overall feel of the book?
The skate descriptions empower the story. It shows Ash's passion for boarding and the adrenaline she gets from the pursuit.
4. Any super-bad grammar/spelling mistakes?
The line, "You could tell I didn't like him too much." Switch it to can. Could is past tense but the way you have written the line you are referring to the reader directly, so it needs to be present tense.
I noticed there is a tendency to repeat certain words, I suggest finding synonyms or alternate usage so there is no redundancy.
Your last line. Since the bowls is plural 'towards' needs to be 'toward.' It's an odd rule. If it's a singular object, towards. Plural, toward.
5. Suggest a better title?
I don't see anything that relates to a Riot, unless that occurs later. Unless this somehow relates to boarding. If it does, I hope somehow during the story you incorporate that. Maybe at the ending 
6. Rate out of 10?
I want to say 7.5.
I did enjoy reading it and I am looking forward to seeing more!1. What do you think of the opening? Does it hook?
The introduction is very catching by introducing the skateboard. I suggest when you transition to the park there is some sort of thing that shows that it is transitioning from the introduction to the story. When the story started I was slightly confused.
2. What do you think of the MC's voice? Like/dislike MC from the get-go?
When it comes to the people, especially your main character I suggest adding more description and making them more three dimensional. Like when Ash moves her hair back, you include what colour/what type it is. Her voice is good, but since we don't fully know her yet, nor her personality, background, etc we aren't able to fully connect yet. This means adding more detail, so the trick is finding the niche where the detail flows and doesn't detract.
3. Do the skate descriptions hinder or empower the overall feel of the book?
The skate descriptions empower the story. It shows Ash's passion for boarding and the adrenaline she gets from the pursuit.
4. Any super-bad grammar/spelling mistakes?
The line, "You could tell I didn't like him too much." Switch it to can. Could is past tense but the way you have written the line you are referring to the reader directly, so it needs to be present tense.
I noticed there is a tendency to repeat certain words, I suggest finding synonyms or alternate usage so there is no redundancy.
Your last line. Since the bowls is plural 'towards' needs to be 'toward.' It's an odd rule. If it's a singular object, towards. Plural, toward.
5. Suggest a better title?
I don't see anything that relates to a Riot, unless that occurs later. Unless this somehow relates to boarding.
If it does, I hope somehow during the story you incorporate that. Maybe at the ending 6. Rate out of 10?
I want to say 7.5.