I Must Be Controlled ... I Must Move Slow

It is my beginning after ending
Always it is the face first that wends
It's way to where I shatter, full stopped
Graceless, awkward, my defenses raised
Pause to gawk
Stand in a stillness, knowing, without a question
There is this awesome, futile fight to not
Fall again

Not

Be knee bled and abraded
Bruised
Smelling and tasting my own blood
Instead of desired other's.

"Breathe, just BREATHE"

Runs cascading through thoughtless
Head and recalled past mantras
Head drops, eyes avert, then habits
Dismayed patterns
Sieze the levers, twist the wheel, light the fuse, set the timer,
Pull my trigger.

Not witty, or clever, or anything that truly might attract
I pull my shadows off, stumble forward, and stupidly shout my presence

"HERE I AM PICK ME!"

Amid a crowded room of strangers,
On the street while people stare and move away
I blush, and stutter mouthed and rushing blood and crashing glass and
Falling hopes.

She says

"Hello pretty girl, how are you, we haven't met.
May I sing a song to you? Will we be friends? Can we share time and secrets?
Will you be mine?"

Not knowing that I was lost to all she is
When in micro-split moment I had seen her muscle's movement in imperceptible avoidance
Of someone cruel and without care
In this world of anger.





Images tumble through gray'd skies to grey eyes

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