Too Much of a Good Thing

"So that's it," said the representative of the Ministry of Defence. "We're doomed."

"It appears so, yes," said the consultant. "Already the donut pile has a volume of over fifty cubic miles. A nuclear device on the scale of the Tsar Bomba might be able to break through, but there's simply no time to bring one in. Even if we did, it's likely that the custard centres would absorb a great deal of the shockwave. The machine at the heart of the pile would likely remain uscathed."

"Perhaps some kind of drilling machine. There must be one nearby. Being used in a subway excavation, perhaps?"

"I'd already thought of that, sir. While it would eventually be able to cover such a distance, it would be virtually impossible to find the machine. Also, the relatively soft nature of the donuts would prevent us from maintaining a tunnel behind the tunnelling crew. Without proper ventilation, their equipment would cease to function. They probably wouldn't make it more than thirty yards in."

"Well, how is the donut machine still working, then?!?"

"If I may?" interjected the Professor. "It's powered by its own fusion reactor: a little side-project of mine. It made sense to combine the two."

"In what way does any of this make sense?" asked the consultant.

"Well," said the Professor. "You asked me to feed the world. Everybody likes donuts."

"But why did you have to set the machine to 'infinite?' Surely you knew the risks."

"Well, with the world's steadily growing population, anything less than an infinite number of donuts would have been insufficient. I just didn't realise it would make them quite so quickly. If it's any consolation, that means the new flour spontaneation chamber is performing well beyond our expectations. Frankly, I'm impressed that the plasma fryilator can keep up." He picked up a jam donut from the slowly advancing tsunami beside him. "The quantum quality control circuits are doing a fine job."

"That's not much of a comfort," said the man from the Ministry of Defence.

"I'm sorry," said the Professor. He selected another donut and offered it to him. "Iced ring?"

"Let's just focus on the problem while we still have time," said the consultant. "Is there nothing we can do?"

"Not really," explained the professor. "Eventually, the donut pile will expand across the entire Earth's surface. The massive concentration of matter will ultimately create a black hole that will surely consume us all."

"Well, that is depressing," said the man from the Ministry. "I think I will have that donut after all."