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Literature Text
Sutured together by artists,
devoured blasphemy-
hallowed out, & spit back up,
( you are afraid. )
Hooks longing for her ribcage embrace;
god-hands that can't seem to keep to themselves
grapple the gargoyle exterior of her deflowered frame.
( spread your legs. )
Red-inked and trembling,
prosetry masked as screams
knots into her anatomy.
Literature
God Given
The crack became a crevice
The crevice became a hole
Invited my mortal remains
To part company with my soul
God has given me these hands
To create beautiful art
It's not for me to say when
This earthly plane I shall depart
The tears became a torrent
The torrent became a flood
I was drowning in sorrow
I sought the buoyancy of good
God has given me these thoughts
To stimulate and inspire
With rhetorical reasoning
Until my bones can retire
The thought became a feeling
The feeling became the truth
Faith alone was now enough
Beyond the search for proof
God has given me this mind
So who am I to question
When He has granted me
Literature
Remember Your Dues
Remember Your Dues:
You think you can forget it;
As soon as you forget it,
Believe you will regret it,
Relieved of all your credit.
Your honour and your lifestyle,
Curled around my knife while-
You sit and play your games,
Thinking everything's the same.
But I'm watching and I'm waiting;
This patience suffocating,
But it's worth the while I'm waiting
For this hatred I am facing.
You thought it was forever,
And so you did endeavour;
To pretend the chains and ties,
That bind you; they have died.
But the fact is you have lied;
Forgotten where you're tied.
The markings on your side,
Remember why you hide!
But its too late for apologies;
The
Literature
Faith
I love your belief in God.
Not because it matches mine.
Because it makes you even more beautiful to me.
You are the dream I always wanted, but never had.
(God likes to surprise me. Well, consider me surprised.)
It makes me want to sleep every single night by your side.
I want to wrap my prayers around you.
I want to press my lips to the segments of your body.
If you asked, I would rest my head besides yours
and dream your nightmares for you.
(You shudder in your sleep. I don't think you know.)
In faith, I'll be your dreamcatcher.
In dreams, let me wis
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Written for =dreamsinstatic's poetry contest: [link]
Chosen Prompt: A Debt of Bones
I really tried to step out of my comfort zone with this piece and write something darker. What do you guys think? Did I succeed?
How is the flow?
My word choice?
The length?
Your thoughts are greatly appreciated!
Edit: I took out the last line. I feel that this piece stands much better without it.
featured: [link]
Chosen Prompt: A Debt of Bones
I really tried to step out of my comfort zone with this piece and write something darker. What do you guys think? Did I succeed?
How is the flow?
My word choice?
The length?
Your thoughts are greatly appreciated!
Edit: I took out the last line. I feel that this piece stands much better without it.
featured: [link]
© 2012 - 2024 DearPoetry
Comments44
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Hi, I am here to critique your work on behalf of
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I have to be honest that I was glad to find one of your poems in the gallery, because I really enjoy the way you write.
Once again in this poem you show some really strong control over imagery. I particularly liked 'god-hands'; for me that was easily the strongest line in the poem.
I personally felt like the middle stanza suffered somewhat from your decision to use longer lines; though the imagery is very strong, it seems a little overstretched. Try re-reading the poem aloud to see what I mean: you can feel it especially in the final line of the stanza, but it also seems to want for a break (or a breath) after 'god-hands' itself. Possibly look at playing with enjambment to control the poem's pace, though it has the bonus effect of making it appear more interesting on the page, too. I played around with it here:
'Hooks longing for her ribcage
embrace; god-hands
that can't seem to keep to themselves
grapple the gargoyle exterior of her frame.'
(I dropped 'deflowered' from the final line partly because it felt a little elongated and partly because that word just kind of grates on me; it feels a little too "poemy". Obviously it's important to the context of the poem but since you've already described her as "gargoyle"-like - and gargoyles are NEVER thought of as new or pristine - you might be able to get away with it. Similarly I'd maybe reconsider 'carry my seed' in the final line: it feels a little directly sexual, colloquial and maybe even a little cliched when compared to the language in the rest of the poem. Wow, long brackets right here.)
I like the use of brackets to insert not only a distinct voice into the poem, but a bit of context as well. I'd look at pushing this even further though: although the imagery is very interesting, I couldn't help but feel a little...adrift when reading it. It's something I often struggle with in my own poetry, especially if it's a piece I've redrafted several times; you become so confident in what you're conveying that the message can become a little murky to the actual reader. It's not necessarily a bad thing; a little ambiguity in a poem is generally what I find most interesting, but in this piece I think you've given yourself the opportunity to properly contextualise it without compromising the...artistry of the poem.
I hope you found this useful and please do remember a lot of this critique is coloured by personal preference; in no way am I trying to suggest the parts I mentioned are at all bad or wrong. Apologies if it feels like I've only focused on things that could improve, but I consider this to be a very strong poem that really just needs a little tinkering.
- Sam.