literature

Call Me Cicatrice

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intricately-ordinary's avatar
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Literature Text

in a sloping curve, the scar covered his back
like an indefinite symbol of defiance. puckered
at the ridges, slithering across his shoulder blades, it was
something special in the way it interrupted his skin
/chronicle incomplete/ I reached out to touch it,
he caught my hand "you always did find beauty
in the broken." they always had more stories to tell.
--
I was something inexperienced (but never innocent).
I fell for his natural enjambments and
inability to meet my eyes. he fell for
the fact I was freshly born (but never young).
--
our first kiss was under a sycamore tree
that watched the world pass by. he said
he wanted to steal away my words, I knew
he was trying not to collapse. the tree
stood on as our lives expanded into something
entirely new, but exactly the same. "we always
try to build new beginnings to find a way
back to our firsts." but resets don't work.
--
he held his head highest on the days the sky was low,
for a reason he'd never explain /reminiscent/
I told him, once, he was the strongest person
I'd met "but I wasn't strong enough to stop my dad"
and his eyes grew silent. after that, he started
reaching out for me in the middle of the night
as though he feared I'd disintegrated into his failure.
--
there came a day, though, when he looked up at me
and realized he couldn't stand the sight of my face.
mysteries die when you unearth buried history, I was
no longer the girl with a thought-provoking smile. "you're
more beautiful when you let your silence speak for you"
because at some point, illusions fade. they left us with only the
broken core even he couldn't stand. he left me with only the
memory of unidentifiable Achilles' heels.
--
it looked to me like a question mark, but really it was
an embodiment of all the truth he could never escape.
I reached out to touch it, "scars are ghosts of people
you've left behind. they aren't always visible but
they never go away." I kept my promise when I sang him
lullabies, and whispered his nightmares goodbye-
'sleep tight, don't worry, I'll stay with you forever'
--
in the shape of a blindly faithful first kiss--
I left my mark (eternal, imbedded in his heart.)
For the First Kiss Contest Word count: 396
(because that was the only time it was ever easy.)

He couldn’t stand to be with someone who stuck around even after they knew what he was.
© 2012 - 2024 intricately-ordinary
Comments46
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LuvThemHungerGames's avatar
:star::star::star::star::star: Overall
:star::star::star::star::star: Vision
:star::star::star::star::star: Originality
:star::star::star::star::star: Technique
:star::star::star::star::star: Impact

Wow. Wow. Hah <img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/s/s…" width="15" height="15" alt=":)" title=":) (Smile)"/>
^My intial response!

Thanks for inviting me to critique your poem. However there isn't much critiquing to be done so I'll just evaluate and comment!

Lets start at the beginning because that's always the best place to start. You have a wonderful attention getter- his scar. That first of all piques the reader's curiousity, but it also paints an image in their mind; one that can be seen and felt.

I absolutely love how you moved the reader through the story with effiency and accuracy. Never missing a beat. And when the content was starting to seem repetative, you switched it up again (I am refering to the end of the third stanza/ beginning of the fourth. I was starting to get a little bored around here. However, your morphed the mysterious man into someone who was broken and in pain). Your tranitions were smooth, and didn't jostle the reader's mind from point A to Point Chinese Food to Point D. <img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/w/w…" width="15" height="15" alt=";)" title=";) (Wink)"/>

Your metaphor aboutthe tree and the couple's expanding love is absolutely the "outside of the box" creative writting that everyone should posses. However, if everyone possesed it your poem wouldn't be soo good! haha.

Lets take a look at the ending! By this point you have drawn the audience into the story. They feel what the young lady feels, they see the pain of the young man and are just starting to get a sense of deep connection to him when you end it with two short lines. Bam! You added a whole other demension to this poem in those last lines. Not only adding an unforseen, artistic twist; but you throughly and efficently tied the reader's hearts in a twist. <3 This is was romantically poetic and moving! Such a breath of fresh air! I must say that by adding the "eternal, imbeeded in his heart" in the parenthesis you seemed to add it as an afterthought. As a way to show that it is an insubstantial thing compared to the love that is felt for the young man. Genious! Ths added a quietting air of nonchalant passion.

Genious! Thank you so much this was bloody delightful! I sincerly hope that you let me critique anothe rone of your poems! Good luck in the contest dear.

For those few poems that I truly admire, I give the classic sign of respect and honor through Rues Three Finger Salute. You've essentially just earned my salute to you- a badge. I Hope you wear it proud, and that others see your amazing work. It should be shared all throughout the nations.

Keep on writting!!

May the odds be ever in your favor
-LuvThemHungerGames