Memories of a Princess in Pain

                I quickly looked at Tia and the night commander as if nothing was wrong, “Yes?”
Tia placed her hoof on my shoulder, “Luna why don’t you let your commander take over the duties for the night. Go out, get some fresh air, ease your mind sister. You don’t have to play dumb. I know who you’re thinking about. But it’s been almost a year since his death and if you continue to space out like this than it can put Equestria at risk. Please sister, find something to occupy your thoughts and help you through this. It pains me to see you punish yourself like this; you need to stop blaming yourself for Nightmare Moon's actions. She is gone, and the sister that I love remains, that’s all that matters now.”
Tia’s kind words are soothing, but they only numb the pain for a split second. The fact that I am responsible for Star Bolts death remains. And no matter what, I can never bring back the stallion I cared for. the stallion... I loved.

                I gave the night commander his orders, and decided to take a walk through the garden. It didn’t help me one bit. It’s been more than a thousand years since I trotted next to him here but my mind replays the last conversation we had here, over and over. I can’t help but wonder, what his words would have been when he was about to tell me how he felt. I wonder what would happen if we only had a little more time together that night. As I trot here… alone… I… I actually start saying what I said back then, as if I were rehearsing for some kind of play. I even start to cry as I spoke, “Nopony likes my nights, they all don’t love me! I’ve been patient, thinking that maybe it’s just my imagination, but it seems like nopony appreciates what I do. I know that the moon can’t grow food or warm the land like the sun, but I can’t do anything else, I can’t do what my sister can, I can’t fill the world with light. So, ponies shun my night… and me. I'm a bad ruler aren’t I?”

                I said everything I said back then in that garden, word for word as if it was spoken yesterday. Then I could swear I heard a voice next to me, “Luna, you’re not a bad ruler…”
I quickly looked next to me… but… there was nothing there. I looked around me… but I was all alone. Nopony was here except for me. My mind… my mind made those words, it made them sound like him. I… I can’t be here… I can’t stay here right now! I took off into the sky and flew as far from the garden as I could, I flew over the gate and out of Canterlot. I had to get help, I had to find somepony who could help me forget, I had to find somepony to get him and his death out of my mind… I can’t stand it anymore. If it continues, then I'm sure to lose my sanity.

                I flew into Ponyville to the home of Twilight Sparkle. She is my sister’s student and one of the most knowledgeable ponies I know, surely, she could help me. When I landed at her home, I knocked on the door and waited. It felt like an eternity before her little dragon assistant finally opened the door, “Uh… Princess Luna? Why are you here at this time of night?”
“Little dragon I need Twilight Sparkle’s help, I need to find out if there is a way to forget one’s past.”
Then Twilight Sparkle came to the door, “Oh? Princess Luna what are you…”
“I need to forget my past… is there a way to do that? Please Twilight Sparkle I require your help in this matter.”

                Twilight thought to herself for a few seconds, “I don’t know of any spells that involve erasing somepony’s memories, and even if I did, spells like that can be very dangerous unless performed by somepony with experience. Are you sure you want to do this princess?”
I lowered my head, “I'll be forever in your dept. please I must forget.”
Twilight replied, “I don’t know anypony who is capable of such magic, but I might know somezebra who is.”
“Come again?”
She replied, “Just follow me.”

                Twilight leads me out of Ponyville and into the Everfree Forest. As we traveled, she looked back at me and spoke, “So, what is it that you want to forget princess?”
“About a year ago we… that is, Nightmare Moon and I did something terrible.”
Twilight laughed, “Oh Princess Luna, we know and we forgive you for trying to bring an eternal night… there is no need to forget it. All is well and there is no shame i…”
“I killed the pony I loved…”
Twilight replied in worry “What?”
“We… I… killed the pony I was in love with… his blood stains my hooves, and I must forget my sin.”
Twilight tried to reply, “Why did you…”
“I don’t want to talk about it… I must forget him… I… I… must forget about Commander Bolt." 

                Twilight and I continue on our path with little conversation until we reached small shamble of a shack way out in the middle of the forest, and it’s here that I was to find the zebra who could help me. After I knocked on the door the zebra who spoke of my legend during Nightmare Night answered, “My good friend Twilight, its late but I'm glad, to see you and the princess. But why are you sad?”
I guess this zebra was noticing the dried tears on my face so I wiped them away, “Please enchantress can you help me erase my memory. There is somepony very dear to me that I killed about a year ago and I want to forget the terrible deed. I want to forget that I ever met him.”
When I told her that her eyes lit up as if she knew who I was talking about… but I knew that was impossible. So I only listened as she replied, “To forget this pony it must first be clarified, the pony you speak of, and how he had died.”
“The pony was named Commander Bolt, he led my armies and fought for me when i was Nightmare Moon.”

                The Zebra nodded her head, then she went over to one of her cabinets and pulled out a strange book and a vial with an unusual yellow liquid in it. She spoke as she opened the book and handed me the vial, “Memories can’t be forgotten, but hidden instead, but if strong enough they’ll return, but with vengeance I dread. I can help you princess, of this I have no doubt, but I must warn you of the danger, which may be driven out.”
I had no idea what this zebra was talking about, but luckily Twilight was there to clarify it for me, as she was reading the book she explained, “She means that if this Commander Bolt was truly a valuable pony to you… then trying to hide his memory could result in a relapse. Meaning it could bring back not only good memories of him… but bad memories that also came with it, memories that had not only been forgotten but that cause painful emotions. Do you want to risk that?”
 I knew there would be a catch, but I didn’t care. I had to forget my sorrow, and my pain. It was too much to bear; I had to do what I could to forget about him. “Do it! If my memories can’t be removed then try to hide them. I must rid myself of this sorrow.”

                Zecora nodded her head, “As you wish dear princess, hide them I shall, first sit back relax and tell me now.
Tell me his memories the good and the bad, I must know them, to hide them, both happy and sad.”
I laid down on the bed and drank the contents of the vial that Zecora gave me, then I started to tell her about his memory from the very beginning, “It all started when I found him in the Thunder Grounds; he was an adorable colt just as innocent as could be. But he had no memories of his life. I can still remember the clueless face he gave when I asked for his name, and I felt flattered when Tia, told me that he thought I was pretty. Then…”
Slowly I started to forget about that memory; it even got to a point that I couldn’t remember what happened next, “What? I… I can’t remember that anymore?”
Twilight spoke, “Zecora’s potion just hid that memory from your mind. Just remember the next moment you had with him.”

                I continued, “Well it was about a year later, we invited both Commander Mist and his student to dinner, he was worn out, I could tell that the commander was putting him through some intense training, but the young colt kept his manners, especially when he spoke to me… I remember him saying that he felt better at night, knowing that he could look at the stars after training… then… he… I can’t remember that now.”
Twilight replied “What next?”
“Next was the day before the Royal Guard Exam, this was when I started to have feelings for him. He was still young but he was confident and his heart was in the right place. We both sat at the Thunder Grounds I have to admit it was adorable watching him react to the flirting and teasing I was laying on him… but at the same time I just wanted him to tell me how he felt, I only wa… uh… that one is gone now…”

                I could tell that Twilight Sparkle was starting to have interest in him now, as she urged me to remember more, “What happened next princess?”
“Next was the start of the Griffon Civil War, we are in a conference room and he and Commander Mist are arguing about his complaint in getting involved in the war. If it weren’t for my suggestion then he wouldn’t have been able to voice his opinion during that meeting. He continued to complain about how the griffon king was just a cub… then… uh… that one is gone now. The next memory was when he returned, it seemed like he was an entirely new pony, so confident, wise, and his ego seemed to understand his limits more, but it seemed that something had happened that made him less social, I don’t know what but he was never the same after that war. When I… um… well… now that’s gone too. This potion seems to work very well.”

                Twilight spoke again, “This Commander Bolt seems to be very interesting, I'll have to look him up later, but first tell me your next memory.”
“It was the day of his promotion ceremony, he was being promoted to commander, after making a fool of himself during the ceremony he and Commander Mist where called back to Tia’s room where he was so mischievously placed as the night commander by my sister… I knew her game, I was in a way happy about it, but it was embarrassing that she was trying to hook us up like that. Then… I… uh… I can’t remember more from that, but I do remember us taking a walk through the garden numerous times, and throughout that, I remember all the conversations we had. We would laugh, joked, sing our favorite songs, it was the happiest time of my life, until one night I told him about how everypony neglected my nights, he even tried to comfort me, then he was going to tell me… uh… he was going to say… uh…”
Twilight sat in suspense, “Yes… what was he going to tell you.”
“I’m sorry Twilight Sparkle, that memory is now gone.”

                Both Zecora and Twilight sat back in their chairs and pouted, they wanted to know what happened next, but with that forgotten, even I didn’t know. I started to remember my next memory, “I… I see a dark cloud… this cloud, its Nightmare Moon… she… she has taken hold of me… now… I can’t move. But I can see what’s going on. My next memory is arguing with Tia, she is saying that what I'm doing is insane, that I'm not thinking about the wellbeing of my subjects and that I'm being completely selfish. So she steps onto the baloney and decides to raise the sun, even with the moon still in the sky. I looked down at Star Bolt who stood beside me as a noble commander would, then to show that I was serious, I moved the moon in front of the sun and created an eclipse. It’s with this action that Tia tried to calm me down with what I described as a pathetic attempt to keep me below her. So both Commander Bolt and I dove off the balcony and flew to the Castle of the Royal Alicorn Sisters. After that, I told him to go and ga… um… now that one is gone. The next I remember Commander Bolt is standing in front of his army watching at they start to ready themselves for an attack on the castle. All his soldiers were new but he placed a lot of confidence in his newest recruit who was still just a cadet. An archer named… uh… that memory is now gone…”

                As I went through these memories, my feelings for him only became stronger, but I paid no mind to it… soon I would forget about him and then I could be at peace, “Next I appeared behind him when he was depressed for killing his teacher Commander Mist. I couldn’t believe myself when I told him that that pitiful fool didn’t stand a chance. Then later that night I went to the Thunder Grounds where I was every other night, and I found him there, I decided to play dumb because I couldn’t let him think that Nightmare Moon the mare of darkness herself was going soft, it was… um… uh… that one is gone now. The next memory I have is when I delivered new soldiers to Star Bolt and Tia of all ponies was waiting to speak to me. She explained that what I was doing was further hurting Commander Bolt’s soul and slowly driving him away, and she begged and pleaded me to stop this war before I drove him away for good. This enraged me to a point of making me use magic to gather a storm above but I couldn’t show myself as the weak link I had to… uh… that one is gone now…”

                Zecora spoke, “You must keep going, with the potion I agree; it is removing the emotion, the painful memory. I'm disappointed though I didn’t think it was true, that this pony meant a great deal to you.”
Twilight looked at Zecora, “You talk as if you knew this pony.”
Zecora didn’t reply so I ignored the comment and continued with the next memory, “Next I remember luring him onto an empty battlefield the night after a battle. I wanted to talk with him like we used to in Canterlot. He seemed hesitant but he spoke to me just like he did a year prior… it felt good to seem like we were equals again… but when he tried to tell me how he felt… I couldn’t let him. I wasn’t myself anymore, I didn’t want him to fall for the monster I became, but I did want to be with him despite the creature I was… so… I… another memory gone.”

                Twilight spoke, “It’s so sad, knowing that a stallion you love is just beyond your reach.”
I started to tear up as I continued, “Next I arrived after receiving word that he met with neighboring countries who were willing to support the Nightmare Legion. When I arrived he was in the middle of a life or death duel, with a griffon.”
“A GRIFFON!?!”
“Yes, Commander Allfarin Orem, of the Griffon Kingdoms.”
Twilight spoke up, “Wasn’t he the griffon who was announced as both a hero and a traitor of the Griffon Kingdoms?”
“One and the same, it was Commander Bolt who was responsible for the loss of his eye, during that same duel.”

                Both Twilight and Zecora both looked at each other in amazement, then Twilight spoke, “I thought it was a great hero who took his eye from him, to show him the error in his life.”
I smiled and continued, “That’s what Commander Orem called Commander Bolt after the war. He always wanted to fight beside a hero, and with the reputation Commander Bolt had, he got his wish. The duel ended in a failure on Commander Orem’s part, but Commander Bolt showed mercy and let him live after removing his eye. I stepped in and was going to finish the job, but Commander Bolt told me that its best to let him continue commanding his griffon… I think he wanted to let Orem live because of his merciful side. But I knew that… I… uh… um… that one is gone  now.”

                The potion was working better than I thought. as I started to forget about the memories, I also started to forget what he looked like at this point I wasn’t sure if the his mane was black and yellow or gray and yellow, so I just continued, “Next I remember receiving a letter of his injury from which he was unconscious for over a day.”
Twilight spoke up, “A DAY! Was he alright?”
I lowered my head in shame, “I… I don’t know.”
“You don’t know? Didn’t you go and see him?”
Once again, I replied with my head lowered, “No… I chose not to… I should have and I feel terrible for ignoring it but I decided to just let him be, since he was alive. Then I went to see him after the battle near Cloudsdale. When I arrived there, the battle had just ended and I saw that the Celestial Commander was still alive. By this time, I admit I was skeptic as to whether or not Commander Bolt was still loyal to me so I tried to test him. I wanted to see his reaction to me killing the Celestial Commander, so there, with him pleading to me to show mercy I broke the Celestial Commanders neck.”

                Zecora and Twilight both nervously took a step back away from me, so I explained, “I did this to show that the Nightmare Legion wasn’t going to be merciful all the time. It was to make Commander Bolt look more like a frightening leader.”
Twilight asked, “Did it?”
“No… Commander Bolt was devastated at what I did, then I went on to make him use his power to dispose of the body… this was one of the moments that I wish with all my might that I could control my own body. But that darkness had a hold that came and went, most of the time I could do something about my actions... but not this time.”
“What happened next?”
“… The rest of that memory… is now gone what’s next... is...”
I started to feel dizzy and I also started to get a massive headache. Twilight Sparkle asked, “Princess? Are you ok?”
I ignored the headache and continued but now I could only remember small parts of the memories, they were now less descriptive, “Next was the battle of Canterlot. He… he formed a great plan to attack the city. It was a thing of brilliants, but it was also a risky maneuver… I… I think it involved an arrow… and gun powder… no wait they were grenades made by that griffon’s army. Then… then… he saved me… I remember that specifically. A rain of arrows was falling down around me but he used the Lightning Orb… to save me… me, the pony who destroyed his hope, and treated him with such disrespect. I… I didn’t deserve his sympathy or his… he has fallen…”

                Twilight felt confused, “Fallen? But I thought you just said he just saved you.”
My mind wasn’t following a lengthen trail anymore. Not it was continuing my memories but in a broken chain, skipping weak links, “He has fallen. The blue arrow went up… I have no choice but to retreat our forced without him, now comma… he… he’s back… but he returned with sister… why is he with sister, and why is he here at the Palace of the Alicorn Sisters, when he was defeated in Canterlot? Did he betray me?... Is he trying to overthrow me? I thought he loved me… I know I love him so why… everything is dark now. As punishment for my actions, I am doomed to stay imprisoned in the moon, for how long… I do not know, but Commander Bolt is now in the light of the stars… he will be with me now… he will be a part of this existence with me…”
Twilight felt concerned, “Zecora what’s going on? She isn’t making sense anymore. Is she alright?”
“The potions effect is strange but right, she relives her memories, on this very night. As they fade away she will soon know not, the painful memories that stallion has brought. But I worry still will they stay hidden away, or will her memories return and lead her astray. If so it could be bad the magic will last, then bring back the darkness from a weary past.”

                I understood what it was that Zecora was saying but it seemed that my mind couldn’t stay focused on what was really happening around me, instead it was focusing on my memories, all the way up to my return, “Finally, I'm free. I back in Equestria to claim my rightful place as ruler of this land… and with my loyal commander by my… what, why are you trying to strike me down… why are you trying to hurt me commander? Don’t… don’t you know that I love you? don’t you know that I care for you?... maybe a kiss will… no… you still look at me with regret, but no longer in me… but yourself… why are you blaming yourself for my actions, why are you… you want me to… kill you? You want me to take your life… but… I… I can’t… I can’t possibly take the life of the one I love… but… you insist… those eyes… please don’t look at me with those eye’s…”
Twilight could see the tears running down my face, “Princess Luna! Snap out of it!”
But all I could see was those eyes, all I could feel was the pain of that moment, the moment I was asked, no, begged to take his life… I couldn’t do it. I just couldn’t, “No… I… I can’t… I…”
The last image I saw of him, was him laying at the base of that tree, the spear in his chest… the blood starting making a puddle under him, “What have I done… I… I killed him… I murdered the pony I loved… I killed the only pony who cared for me anymore… I… I can’t take it! I… I JUST CAN’T!!!... I CAN’T!!! I!!!......... Twilight Sparkle? What’s going on here?”

                Both Twilight and Zecora approached me, “Princess, your mind, it should now be ok, now that the memories are hidden away.”
Twilight asked me, “Princess Luna? How do you feel? Do you feel… unhappy?”
I sat and tried to think of why I would possibly feel unhappy, but there wasn’t anything that could give me that kind of feeling so I replied, “Um… No. Why, should I feel, unhappy?”
Twilight only smiled and replied, “No princess you shouldn’t, in fact now you should feel happier than ever.”
Twilight’s attitude seemed strange to me, but whatever it was I'm certain that she just saved me from something bad so I smiled and thanked them both.

                When we went outside the night seemed beautiful as ever, I'm not one to brag but it was an exceptional night if I had to say so. When Twilight came out with me, I had to ask, “Um… Twilight, what exactly happened in there?”
She shrugged “Oh Zecora was helping you with something that was troubling you, but now that its all said and done we can get back to our lives.”
As I smiled, I started looking at the stars above… I started to wonder, why do they seem to relax me?... then I started to get a massive headache. It was so intense that I had to stop trotting and hold still for a few seconds. Twilight Sparkle stopped and looked back at me, “Princess? Are you ok?”
I knew that I wasn’t ok, but I felt very dizzy my mind and my head started to spin. Then I saw a shadow approaching me. This shadow seemed very familiar, like it was a part of me. Like it was my past. As shadow approached me a cloud of purple and black winds started to spiral around me, I don’t know what it was but slowly I started to remember this… I started to remember this… was a bad thing.

                Zecora rushed over to the edge of the tornado and spoke, “They are returning too fast, the memories back there, they are returning the darkness, the moon’s nightmare!”
Suddenly I remembered, I remembered who I once was, the mare of darkness, the nightmare of Equestria, Nightmare Moon. I looked at my hoof as it started changing from its night-shaded blue to a dead night Black, “NO!!! I CANT BE CHANGING BACK, I CANT BECOME NIGHTMARE MOON AGAIN!!! I DON’T REMEMBER WHAT, BUT I DID SOMETHING TERRIBLE THE LAST TIME I WAS NIGHTMARE MOON!!! HELP ME! SOMEPONY HELP!!!”
It was no use, Twilight Sparkle and Zecora couldn’t see me anymore, the spiraling haze was now too thick to see anything around me. Slowly I started to remember the terrible deed that I did when I was Nightmare Moon. First I understood I did it to a stallion… then I could see his eyes… afterwards I understood it was somepony special to me… somepony I loved.

                As the haze got thicker around me, I could feel myself becoming more and more like Nightmare Moon. Now all my hooves had changed color. I had to stop this… I had to remember how I stopped this last time… I had to find a way to prevent myself from
becoming that monster again… then I started to remember the face of the pony I cared about… then when I opened my eyes, I saw him… plain as day. I saw the pony that Nightmare Moon did something terrible to. He gently put his hooves around me and held me close. “Luna… you’re not that monster anymore, you’re not the mare I despised more than a thousand years ago… you’re better than her… you’re everything she could never be. You just have to remember that no matter what. There are ponies who love your beautiful nights… trust me, there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t admire them, their grace, their calmness, the shades that only the moon and stars can reveal, the cool relaxing wind that brings a calming smile to anypony’s face… you must remember them… you must stay, Luna!”

                Just hearing him say my name brought back his name back to my memories, “Star Bolt?”
Just then his eyes started to literally light up, and a dark cloud appeared above his head, I recognized the cloud a little bit, and I understood that I should be afraid of it, but with him holding me like he was. I couldn’t feel safer… then I remembered something crucial, something that made this moment completely and utterly impossible, “Star?... you’re dead…”
After I said that there was a bright flash of lightning from the cloud above me the electricity started to surround my body and causing my hooves to change back to the normal color. The shadow that I felt around me started to fade as did the thickness of the tornado. Then there was another bright flash… then everything went dark. I don’t know what happened but whatever it was, I felt content, I don’t know if he was a figment of my imagination or not. But Star Bolt was holding me, he was keeping me safe like he did more than a thousand years ago. He was with me, and I with him, and that made me happier than anypony alive.

                I awoke later in the small clearing just outside the Thunder Grounds. I don’t know how I got here… but I was now alone As I looked at the tree I couldn’t help but start to cry, I cried just like the night I told him about my troubles in the Canterlot Garden, I cried like I had never cried before, I just couldn’t help it, this sadness, it was too much to bear. Then Twilight Sparkle and Zecora came galloping out of the forest, “Princess Luna! Are you ok?”
It was hard to speak through all the tears, but I did my best, “I’m… I'm fine Twilight Sparkle… do… do you know what happened to…to me?”
Twilight explained, “When the tornado appeared I did everything I could to free you, but every spell I tried did nothing to it. Then I saw a dark shadow charge into the tornado. I had no idea what it was, but the tornado flew into the sky then vanished. Shortly after, it came back down in another part of the forest. Then a large cloud formed in the center of it and started tearing it apart from the middle out with lightning. What confused me the most was that the tornado was magic, dark magic but it was still magic. But when the cloud formed, that wasn’t. That was a real cloud with real lighting that only a pegasus could create. As soon as both the cloud and the tornado dispersed, Zecora and I rushed over here as fast as we could. Are you ok? Why are you crying so much?”

                I couldn’t stop myself from crying, I know it wasn’t proper for a princess to do, but the tears just continued to come as I tried to reply, “I… I… remember him. I remember his… his smile, his eyes, I remember his kindness, his bravery. I remember how he would do anything to impress me when he was young, and how he would follow any t-terrible order I gave when he was my commander. I… I remember his talent, his touch, and our only kiss. I remember Commander Bolt, and I'm more happy now that I remember him, than anything else in the world. And no matter what I… I feel or how much regret I have for his death… I will never try to… to forget him for as long as… as I live.”

                And so that’s what happened to me tonight sister, I know it seems like I'm making up some kind of excuse for being late for the sunrise, but that’s the honest truth. Princess Celestia smiled at her sister and replied, “Well this is the first time you were late so I'll overlook it for now, but I must say, this will make an interesting letter from Twilight Sparkle about the important of friendship, and a valuable lesson on helping your friends in their time of need. Not only that, I'm happy to see that your spirits are high again.”
Princess Luna replied, “Don’t get me wrong, sister, I still feel terrible about what I did and who I was, but I know now that the memories I have of Star Bolt and our time together are great treasures that i should never part with.”
Princess Celestia nodded her head, “That too is a valuable lesson, but for now I think its best that you get your rest.”
Luna yawned and replied, “You’re right, it’s been a long night, until the evening then, I wish you a good morning sister.”

                Princess Celestia smiled pleasantly and replied, “And a good morning to you too, Luna.”
After Princess Luna left the room and was out of sight, Princess Celestia changed her expression to a serious one and spoke to Shining Armor, “Gather a small group of soldiers and have them search the Everfree Forest. If he was there last night, then he must surely still be there now.”
Shining armor replied, “Yes your majesty, but what about Twily and the zebra?”
Princess Celestia replied, “Both Twilight Sparkle and the zebra Zecora are middle mares in all this, they wouldn’t know any more about his whereabouts than we would, so it’s best to just leave them be. My only priority is to find Star Bolt. Though I must thank him for easing sister’s pain, I haven’t seen Luna in a happy mood in over a millennium.”