Reaping of the Wicked: Chapter 1

As promised, here's the critique on Chapter 1 of this story! I'll do the same sort of critique that I had for the Prologue, so bear with me, since it will probably be long again since I like to blabber and give lots of examples and all that. I really hope that this one will be just as helpful as the first was to you, and, again, if you have any questions at all about anything I mention here, feel free to ask! I'd be happy to go over anything more in depth!

"“I’m not sure. But the two of you have something in common; it only comes as often as you came to visit, back when I was still a kid,” she said as she laid the underwear out on a flat rock to dry in the sun. Right next to a pile of fabric, that was her kimono."

My only suggestion here would be to combine the sentences that come after the dialogue. It makes the flow a bit smoother and breaks the awkward syntax with the sentence fragment. Fragments are alright here and there for emphasis, but in this case, I think it will work better attached to the other sentence:

<img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/b/b…" width="10" height="10" alt="" title="Bullet; Black"/> “I’m not sure. But the two of you have something in common; it only comes as often as you came to visit, back when I was still a kid,” she said as she laid the underwear out on a flat rock next to her kimono to dry in the sun.

"“Good, excellent, just what we needed,” the voice proclaimed sarcastically, “Too bad it’s not constant. And you are a kid still.”" <img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/p/p…" width="11" height="10" alt="" title="Point Right"/> The comma after "sarcastically" should be a period here.

"“Put a plug in it or something, we have work to do,”
the voice said impatiently.

“Excellent idea,” she said and rolled her eyes. She lied down on her back, looking at the leaves of the big oak tree moving in the wind. The grass tickled her naked body, but it did not bother her.

However, what if there is one too many doors opening?

“I’m serious, about the work part at least. I have been training you for-what, six-seven years now? Time to get something done,” the voice spoke casually but she could still hear the
anxiousness in his tone.

She exhaled slowly.“Do we have to discuss this now?”"

Be aware of how sentences are worded and structured. In this instance, the dialogue tags seem to follow a pattern with the use of adverbs. While that's alright here and there, you want some variation with dialogue tags so they don't become redundant. Adverbs are also something that you want to use sparingly in your work-- too many can bog writing down and actually mess with the pacing. Taking a few of them out won't hurt your writing here, but actually make it flow a lot smoother! Any (or even all) of these adverbs can be removed here that I bolded.

" A moment later, she could hear them as well." <img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/p/p…" width="11" height="10" alt="" title="Point Right"/> Add a comma before "as well".

"“Aren’t you cheeky,”said the voice and she chuckled."

There's just a bit of pronoun confusion here with "she chuckled". Since it's the voice that is speaking, the "she chuckled" becomes attached to it, as if the voice were female and also chuckling. I know that you mean it to be the girl in this case, but it does cause pronoun confusion. Perhaps state "the girl" here, or give her a name. No name or title has been given yet to her, and this is a reason for why it may be important to introduce her name earlier than it may be.

"“You seem to bleed for no reason at regular intervals, yet you question me for doing it once?” he spoke with a note of disgust." <img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/p/p…" width="11" height="10" alt="" title="Point Right"/> This was one of the instances where you want "he" to be capitalized to "He".

"“Can I help you with something?” asked an older woman with a polite smile when she noticed Hantei looking at one of the more expensive fabrics."

I take it here that "Hantei" is the girl we have been following throughout this? This could be confusing, however, since the name appears out of nowhere and we are left to try and figure out who she is. She could be anyone-- a new character coming in for this section, since there is a scene break. It would be more effective I think if you introduce her either through the "voice" calling her by name, or by stating her name at the very beginning of the chapter and the reader discovering it's her through the conversation that happens with the voice. It would make it less confusing and out of the blue.

"Ba-dum-ba-dum-ba-dum. The man was calm. She imagined
his body in her mind, pushed past his physical barrier and firmly gripped his heart. Ba-dum-dum-dum, the heartbeats quickened."

I really love the tempo here! There's nothing about the writing that needs changing, just the formatting. The heartbeat sounds ("ba-dum-ba-dum-ba-dum") should be in italics, since it's a sound.

"Numerous lanterns light up the temple yard and the top of the stairs."

"Light" here is present tense, you want to keep this in past like the rest of the writing. Change it to "lit".

And now for the overall comments:

I definitely have to say that this chapter seemed a lot more polished than the prologue had been. I'm not sure if it's simply that you went back in from other suggestions and cleaned areas up or what, but I definitely saw an improvement. Just like in the prologue, you have a beautiful writing style and keep the flow strong and well paced. The dialogue is brilliant and really moves this along so well. I love the conservation that takes place in the first section of the chapter about what really happened in the past with the fire. Very strongly written and very real dialogue.

I think my only overall suggestions would be to watch adverbs, but really that's just something minor. Everything else I think I clarified in the sections above. Just remember to read your work aloud when you can! It really does help find words that can be taken out and help with rhythm (though that doesn't seem to be an issue with your work!)

If anything, the only plot point I may point out for suggestion would be how quickly Kaze's magic is discovered and taken. It seems like this is something that should be slowed down just a bit (maybe expand over a chapter or two) before the magic is taken. It's such a big moment, and it could definitely slow down just a bit.

Overall, though you keep proving that you have a wonderful story to tell and that you execute it well. I look forward to reading the next chapter that you have posted and will leave my feedback again! I will try my hardest to get to it tomorrow, as today ended up being a busier schedule than I planned, but it shouldn't be long.

Best wishes with your edits and do keep writing!