Aftermath concerning Paul, my art, PNT~!

3/17 - Welp, no clearer sign that my world has been officially rocked when I completely forget that today is St. Patrick's Day! I didn't even care, and for me that's UNHEARD of! Every year I would celebrate w/ friends over for a corned beef dinner and this year I didn't even buy anything. 2013 just has NOT been kind to me at all! First my best friend's father passes away and barely a week later after we've buried him, I loose the closest thing to being the love of my life, my dearest, most precious friend, Bill Moody ...My gentleman darling of the sunny deep south.  

God, I still can't wrap belief around the reality that you are not here with us! (- -;   )

Obviously ALL of my work (art, comics, commissions, etc.)  have been temporarily suspended for the time being as my family deals with this horrible loss. Also, once more I want to extend my appreciation for such an amazing outpouring of love, friendship, and shoulders to lean on. As the time-honored saying goes: 'You ALWAYS know your true friends in the end.' You really do.

The sun shining bright outside is a habitual liar! It's freezing cold! You'd be hard pressed to believe it was in the 60s here only a few days before. Depending where you live in this county of ours that might not sound all that incredible, but when its been averaging 20° or less, 60 feels like a heat wave!

I had my first appointment w/ a grief counselor Wednesday ----God, I just can't stand, I HATE when I'm forced to admit when I'm not strong enough, but I'm really just having a very bad time with this one this time. And I'm just a pitiful mix. The postings and all the many messages helps me through the fits and waves, but then that's a double edge as you feel smothered by them also. There's no real, honest separation of fandom VS the personal. My job alone as president of Undertaker's fan club makes it impossible to avoid Paul's continued presence. There were 3,000+ messages waiting for me concerning his death when I logged on to the fan club's emails the other night. Because of the depth of the wound of death even one's own self becomes unfamiliar. Time assumes a different meaning and nothing that was once important matters any longer. Where only a moment before I was laughing about a funny memory I had of him, reality comes ashore again, threatening and flooding like a tsunami wave.

Lord, I wish I was as talented with words as I am with a brush to express all the collected and varied reasons that I feel the way I do. (Or perhaps I have throughout the week?) I once told Percy as I was painting 'Dianna's Tree':

"Oh, the desperation to find one comforting word in a not so comfortable time. When language fails me I let them turn to paint, ink, and canvas."

I've shared numerous posts throughout the week since the 5th and yet I am STILL waiting for the words to come ...I'm still pining how best to describe and if I will ever quite succeed in being able to do so. It's a strange balancing act of both fan and friend. Wrestling introduced us, but it's not 'Paul Bearer' that I grew to love. In fact, as the loss became news, so many people wrote to me saying "Wow! I had no idea you knew Paul Bearer!" Not surprising there. I never went out of my way to glorify that fact. Some knew, but I didn't point it out. For most he was just another name on my wall and in my list of Facebook friends. In any event, kind and tender as those messages were, perhaps they were a bit foreign to me as well as I had stopped thinking in that refrain such a long time ago. Quite literally it was as if you're being reminded: "Oh yeah that's right. He was Paul Bearer."

Percy, I loved you. God, my Lord give me strength, I loved you! To the degree you knew that I do not know. Hindsight, the fact you wasted no time to friend me there, or prod me into giving Twitter a whirl so that you could follow me is evidence that you did as even I know TOO well the privilege attached to that. It's nothing you ever gave lightly. I could count hairs on my head to the amount of people you've refused. You filled oh so many gaps in my life ...horrible holes in my heart. You band-aided my wounds and smiled away my sorrows over and over and over, but you never took much credit. "I ain't nothing special." You were so humble, perhaps even to a fault. Part of me feels like a hypocrite that all the advice I tried to give when you lost your brother, grandson, wife, and friends over the years is the same advice I am now struggling so hard to give myself. As I said several times this week, Lord please forgive my selfish grief.



Presented by Vicious Visions Inc., and founded on November 18th 1991, the Plots-n-Tombstones' Mark Calaway Fanclub (PNT) is the first and eldest, continuously operating international fanclub created on behalf of popular WWE/F veteren wrestler, 'Undertaker' and those associated with him.

Add YOUR Paul Bearer (Percy Pringle III) art, graphics, memories, & more to PNT's 'Paul Bearer Memorial Wall'


~Megan Seekings