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Literature Text
The Dream
I
The walls stood, the window was rusted open, and a breeze swept through the small apartment. The wallpaper, hung like torn flesh, flapped and rustled along with it. I sat on the chair, having just received the package; he hadn’t much time to open it. It wasn’t sent by any post office, it was banged up and badly tapped together. I placed the razor into the box and opened the seal. Framed in the car board opening and wrapped in a cocoon of bubble rap, were the instruments to his destruction. A parcel, plastic, filled with blue pills. Etched on them were the glyphs, the sacred mark. On my bed, in my hotel room, I let slip the tiny capsules in my mouth and rest on my tongue. They tasted like a battery. Instantly I ingested them with a gulp of water. A few seconds past until I felt a cool mist, on my bare skin and a kind of burning, a searing pain felt at the tips of every hair follicle as they stood up as though by electricity. My eyes were closed, and I held out my hands to await the angel. An orb, three of them, hung above my head, all composed of light. Reflective as pools of water, with scenes enacted like a silent movie, fast-forwarded and expressed. One showed the past, one showed the future, and one showed the present.
II
A man lying on his bed, appearing likes a drugged up Christ. All of a sudden, his eyes began to move, and blink rapidly, his body stood up from the sheets and remained levitated. All the while, a hideous grin was smacked on his face, his pupils as white as his teeth, now becoming more canine. The maiden crossed herself, and the man in blocked the way, they wouldn’t let me leave. I knew I had to get out somehow. Somehow…
III
“…Doors are not anywhere but inside yourself, and they are those who don’t want you to pass through those doors, because they don’t want you to escape. Once you leave, you can never go back, once you leave, you leave yourself.” I nodded, I understood. I didn’t care, having nothing to believe in, nothing left behind, other than myself.
“Drink the smoke and be encumbered by its weight on your mind…” I heard a door creak open. Looking behind, it was not the room’s door, but my own door, the door at the back of my mind.
I
The walls stood, the window was rusted open, and a breeze swept through the small apartment. The wallpaper, hung like torn flesh, flapped and rustled along with it. I sat on the chair, having just received the package; he hadn’t much time to open it. It wasn’t sent by any post office, it was banged up and badly tapped together. I placed the razor into the box and opened the seal. Framed in the car board opening and wrapped in a cocoon of bubble rap, were the instruments to his destruction. A parcel, plastic, filled with blue pills. Etched on them were the glyphs, the sacred mark. On my bed, in my hotel room, I let slip the tiny capsules in my mouth and rest on my tongue. They tasted like a battery. Instantly I ingested them with a gulp of water. A few seconds past until I felt a cool mist, on my bare skin and a kind of burning, a searing pain felt at the tips of every hair follicle as they stood up as though by electricity. My eyes were closed, and I held out my hands to await the angel. An orb, three of them, hung above my head, all composed of light. Reflective as pools of water, with scenes enacted like a silent movie, fast-forwarded and expressed. One showed the past, one showed the future, and one showed the present.
II
A man lying on his bed, appearing likes a drugged up Christ. All of a sudden, his eyes began to move, and blink rapidly, his body stood up from the sheets and remained levitated. All the while, a hideous grin was smacked on his face, his pupils as white as his teeth, now becoming more canine. The maiden crossed herself, and the man in blocked the way, they wouldn’t let me leave. I knew I had to get out somehow. Somehow…
III
“…Doors are not anywhere but inside yourself, and they are those who don’t want you to pass through those doors, because they don’t want you to escape. Once you leave, you can never go back, once you leave, you leave yourself.” I nodded, I understood. I didn’t care, having nothing to believe in, nothing left behind, other than myself.
“Drink the smoke and be encumbered by its weight on your mind…” I heard a door creak open. Looking behind, it was not the room’s door, but my own door, the door at the back of my mind.
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Hi there!! I'm here on behalf of PowerfulWriting to critique your work!
I must admit, this took me a few read throughs to get to grips with: to me, this piece as a whole felt discontinuous and left me with a load of questions- as a description of a dream I guess that makes it pretty darn good as that's how dreams are. As a written piece, however, it makes it quite challenging for a reader to get along with.
PART ONE
“I sat on the chair, having just received the package; he hadn’t much time to open it.” – I found this a bit confusing – who is he? What chair? What package? – this could be developed more, to give the first section a better flow and hence engage more with the reader.
“car board” -> “cardboard”
“bubble rap” -> “bubble wrap”
“in my hotel room” – this could link back to the first part – why is the hotel so decrepit? Why is the character in a hotel?
“They tasted like a battery” – this could be expanded – what does a battery taste like?
“cool mist, on my bare skin” – don’t need the comma after “mist”
Sentence ending with “as though by electricity” – this sentence feels a bit clunky – “I felt a cool mist on my bare skin, followed by a burning pain. A searing sensation rippled through my hair follicles as they stood to attention as if raised by static electricity.
“An orb, three of them” – can’t say “an orb” then say there are three – this should be “orbs”
I feel this whole first part needs to be structured with paragraphs – this would make it easier for the reader to digest.
PART TWO
“likes” -> “like”
“his body stood up” -> “his body rose up” – this fits better with the idea of levitation
“they wouldn’t let me leave” – this part feels inconsistent – the reader has no idea you are in the room with them.
PART THREE
I feel the first sentences of the third part are the best of the whole piece. The first part of this piece could be re-written to flow more like this.
I must admit, this took me a few read throughs to get to grips with: to me, this piece as a whole felt discontinuous and left me with a load of questions- as a description of a dream I guess that makes it pretty darn good as that's how dreams are. As a written piece, however, it makes it quite challenging for a reader to get along with.
PART ONE
“I sat on the chair, having just received the package; he hadn’t much time to open it.” – I found this a bit confusing – who is he? What chair? What package? – this could be developed more, to give the first section a better flow and hence engage more with the reader. “car board” -> “cardboard” “bubble rap” -> “bubble wrap” “in my hotel room” – this could link back to the first part – why is the hotel so decrepit? Why is the character in a hotel? “They tasted like a battery” – this could be expanded – what does a battery taste like?
“cool mist, on my bare skin” – don’t need the comma after “mist” Sentence ending with “as though by electricity” – this sentence feels a bit clunky – “I felt a cool mist on my bare skin, followed by a burning pain. A searing sensation rippled through my hair follicles as they stood to attention as if raised by static electricity. “An orb, three of them” – can’t say “an orb” then say there are three – this should be “orbs” I feel this whole first part needs to be structured with paragraphs – this would make it easier for the reader to digest. I really like the idea of the piece, however I feel the sentences and way the ideas are expressed and described could be improved upon. For example, instead of saying “the chair”, “the package” etc these could be “a (descriptor) ___”. “The” gives the implication of importance; although the package is central to the story, there is no real detailed description of it (where it came from, colour etc) - just a thought.
PART TWO
“likes” -> “like” “his body stood up” -> “his body rose up” – this fits better with the idea of levitation
“they wouldn’t let me leave” – this part feels inconsistent – the reader has no idea you are in the room with them.PART THREE
I feel the first sentences of the third part are the best of the whole piece. The first part of this piece could be re-written to flow more like this. As a dream, I find this really interesting, however I feel this piece could very much be extended to further capture the imagination of the reader!
Hopefully this was of some use, keep up the great work 
