Deviation Actions
This entry is for the Writer's Guild SS3, or Short Story Competition 3 of 2013. This story is titled after the cover offered in the contest, titled "By Association".
Description:
A young woman wakes up in a cell with no memory of herself and no idea of where she is. However, she meets a strange prisoner named Vlad who willingly helps her. However, when a squad of security soldiers enter the cell, it becomes apparant that Vlad is more than a prisoner. And, it's apparant that the woman who Vlad named Sylvia, is now working with him to break free from the prison. However she does not know who exactly her new friend is.
Suspense, action, and a shocking ending propel the reader into a brutal, dark world where the truth is shrouded in secrecy.
This short story will blow you away and the ending will leave you speechless!
Some things I noted:
It needs a little polishing. For example, you use a lot of -ly adverbs in the opening paragraphs.
It's cool you put so much effort into the languages (I'm a language geek myself) but you really don't need to. A simple 'he shouted in Chinese' or 'he shouted in a language Sylvia didn't understand' would work just as well most of the time. Especially since Sylvia doesn't speak Chinese, the reader will feel her confusion.
The ending, however, doesn't work for me. Vlad vanishes for a large section in the middle and there is no foreshadowing of his turn from mysterious friend to mustache twirling villain. He knows her "by association" but I'm curious exactly how since she's a senior in college (I'm guessing she's in her early twenties) and he's been in a hell hole of a prison for 30 years.
The fact that Sylvia/Charlotte remembers her past at the very end seems kind of tacked on. I would say to weave bits and flashes of her memories into earlier sections of the story.