Miss My Memory

Fire Tribe was very quiet; every cat had noticed the heat pressing in, and the lack of rain only made dry throats drier.  Those who were not hunting- whether for water or for prey, each had suddenly become in equal demand- kept strictly to their dens.  Only in the bellies of Fire Tribe’s caves could one seek refuge from the beating sunlight.

For Palette, this was hardly a problem.  She spent most of her days in the dens anyway, leading her fellow smiths and, when he was there, talking with Baldr.  His injuries were healing very well, and though Palette was certainly glad, she felt a flicker of panic every time he roamed away.  What if he did not come back?  In the two moons he had stayed with her, he had swiftly become her best friend.  Of course no cat could replace Cyrus and the bond that they held, but Baldr was the cat she was closest to in a way that was not so intimate as sharing a soul.  He understood her; she liked to think she understood him.  His gentle patience had slowly helped Palette to heal…and when Damek had suddenly appeared before her in the woods, to realize that she could stand up for herself.

But she still could not shake the nagging feeling that perhaps she had been too harsh.

Palette took a slow breath through her nose and turned away from the dying embers she had been watching cool; she had lit and guarded enough fires to know when a certain glow was too weak to spurt back to life again.  The stones would be safe on their own.  Stretching her legs, Palette returned back towards the nest they shared, in a quiet and secluded corner.  No one ever bothered them there; she supposed that was one of the ups of being the senior smith.  Everyone appeared to respect her quiet time…or perhaps they seemed to know that when Palette wanted to be alone, she needed to be alone.

To both her delighted surprise and slight twinge of nervousness, Baldr was already situated amongst the dry moss and bracken, grooming his stark white pelt.  Palette silently moved forward and tucked in without a word; Baldr’s tail gently flicked against her flank as a way of greeting, and she let her shoulder brush against his side as she settled her paws beneath her chest.  Their communication at times was as silent as it was meaningful.  For a few minutes, Palette tidied her paws by clearing away the soot finely coating her white toes and embedded in her paw pads and clawtips.  Still the restlessness would not leave her.  Even after her forepaws were snowy again, she could not bring herself to rest her head.  Her eyes kept flickering to Baldr as he groomed, as if contemplating asking him something, but always darting away again before her courage could well up into words.  Finally she could not keep the silence anymore, and blurted in a soft but rather strained voice, ”…Baldr, I…I’ve got a question for you.”

The Gray-Light paused in his washing for a moment to study her face, something seeming to spark in his scarlet gaze as he noticed the rare stutter in her usually steady mew.  ”Go on,” he chided, gently touching his nose to her shoulder.  Palette hesitated, staring at her paws, but once her eyes flicked up to his she seemed to relax slightly.

”I just…I’m probably being stupid.”  For a fleeting second she debated letting the conversation drop, but the memory of pain flashing in midnight-blue eyes seared in her vision.  She shouldn’t feel guilty…no, she had done the right thing.  Hadn’t she?  The Orange-Fire took a deep breath and plowed on without further ado.  ”I know you noticed that the father of my kits was never there.  Well, it was sort of...always like that.  I guess you could say things were messed up between us.  I tried my best to raise our kits on my own, and I think I did alright.”  She paused to let a glow wash over her gently at the thought of her kits.  True, she had not been too pleased when Castail had entrusted Bernadette to Arcis as mentor, but she had noticed a change come over the younger Orange-Fire.  And Palette prayed that both her sons were doing well.  Yet thoughts of her kits always led to their father at one point or another, and the sense of dull pain faded back into existence.

Palette did not know how to start.  Baldr undoubtedly knew Damek- had even known him as his deputy for a while- and she had refused to let what had happened between them tarnish Damek’s reputation.  Only Castail knew the identity of her kits’ father, and she thought it most unlikely he remembered the tom specifically.  Perhaps a few Fire Tribers recalled him visiting once or twice, but he had always been rather quiet about it; needless to say, Palette had never brought up the “mystery” tom’s identity.  She silently decided that was not going to change now.

”Let’s just say that, in hindsight, I rushed into things.  I knew he didn't want kits, but I thought he could change for me.  He hardly even tried. His Tribe was more important than visiting his family.  Before the battle, when he saw I was fighting, he... “  She paused, a shudder running through her as the memory rushed back violently.  Some of the old anger began to resurface, and she fought to swallow it.  ”…he told me I was useless.  Pathetic.  That I ought to be hiding with our kits.  And that...he would laugh when I died.  But I got over him.  You helped me realize my life didnt revolve around him, that others needed me.  A few days ago he showed up, out of nowhere.  He wanted to fix things.”  Palette’s pale eyes flashed with ice.  ”He thought it was fine to just..walk back into my life.  I know I overreact to some things, but I can't do this with him.  I told him that, and he agreed;  so I told him to leave.  But I don't...I don't know if I did the right thing.”

She glanced over at Baldr anxiously after a heartbeat had passed in complete silence, noticing the look of thoughtfulness as he mulled over what had been said.  When Palette began to feel a slight fear that he would not respond, he reached out with a forepaw and placed it gently over her own, looking into her eyes.  His voice was gentle when he spoke.

”I do not know this tom.  Or, perhaps I do… O-only you know the answer to that, but I will not pry, nor will I try and seek him out.”  Relief registered in Palette’s chest, but Baldr would never know.  ”You are a proud and strong she-cat, Palette, and even without a father to guide them, you have raised your children to be the best they can be.  I can find no fault in that.”

A flush crept into her nose and she looked at her paws, suddenly self-conscious as he continued.  ”E-every cat makes mistakes.  I imagine that whoever he is, this tom must regret what transpired between you.  But regret cannot change the past.  I do not blame you for how you reacted to his return… H-however, I must also say that, though it might seem impossible to comprehend, time heals all wounds.  The scars remain, but the pain will fade.  S-someday, perhaps you and he can reconcile.  But if you are not ready for that, then he must accept this.”  Baldr paused, offering her a smile.  ”My dear, if he is as good and kind as he must have been once for you to notice him, then he will wait.  And if he does not, then it is no fault of yours.”

Palette felt guilt faintly creep into her as she studied the tufts of bracken between her toes; before she could push the thought away, a memory of her first meeting with Damek flitted through her mind.  He had been so young and courteous, almost hesitant around her…but that had been moons ago.  She could only remember the look in his dark eyes every time they had met without their kits after his tattoo color had changed.  She stared at her paws and swallowed hard.  ”That’s the thing, Baldr…I don’t think he regrets anything.”  She raised her head to look at the Gray-Light, eyes torn.  ”He only said that he missed what we used to be, and I do, too…but how can I go back after everything that’s happened?  I wish that had been the only offense, but we started to have constant issues.  I can’t forget five moons of never seeing him, except when I nearl-“

Immediately she clamped her teeth shut, remembering the day she’d awoken in Light Tribe’s camp.  The day she had met Baldr.  The day she and Damek had agreed to stop fighting…to stop seeing each other.  But Baldr did not know that…and any further words would lead him to know the tom was a Light Triber as well.  She sighed and looked away, silent for a few moments.  ”…I’m tired of being the one to compromise myself.  But does that make me selfish…?”

The Orange-Fire startled slightly when the paw over her own tightened its grip, causing her to jerk her gaze back to Baldr’s.  His scarlet eyes held a certain look that made it impossible for her to turn away.  ”You are one of the most selfless cats I know, Palette,” Baldr said firmly, and she felt a burn scorch her cheeks.  If you only knew.  ”But I think that, in some cases, it’s alright to be a little selfish.”

She felt the burning intensify as he tilted his head slightly, watching her.  ”I do not think you are unintelligent, w-which is why I know that this tom must have some virtues buried beneath whatever happened between you.  So I am quite certain that there is some level of regret there.  S-saying that he misses what you both had clearly shows that he wishes things hadn’t happened the way he had, which indicates some form of regret, d-does it not?”

Palette looked at him for a silent moment longer before dropping her gaze, and the den was abruptly very quiet as they sat without speaking.  She repeated softly in her head all that had been said to her, taking each word into account, both his and her own.  Baldr appeared to be saying that…that perhaps Damek could still be there beneath the yellow diamond and past moons.  ”Thank you…Baldr.  Your friendship is more than I deserve.”

The white tom leaned forward to fondly touch his nose to her ear.  ”You are quite welcome.  I am happy to help you in any way I can- it is the least I can do after all you have done for me.  I believe it is I who does not deserve you,” he purred, and Palette rolled her eyes.  They had had this very same conversation several times before.  Yet his words kept repeating in her thoughts, feeding the seed of doubt in her chest.  Did he agree with what she had done?  Should she have let him back in?  She…she couldn’t…but should she?

Palette shook her head, bewilderment spurring the words from her.  ”But do…do you think I did the wrong thing?”  She tilted her head back, confusion and distress welling up in her.  Was he right?  Baldr’s words had a ring of truth to them, but he had not seen everything himself.  ”I don’t know if I can trust him anymore….”

Again, all was silent as Baldr paused to think.  Palette watched his expression anxiously, trying to read it and yet terrified to, before he spoke. 

”I think that you should follow your heart in this- if you are not ready or willing to trust this tom, then do not try to.  Let the days and nights and close friends and family heal you.”  A soft exhale, unheard by Baldr, escaped Palette as a sense of strange peace enveloped her.  ”Little by little, you may find yourself warming up to the idea of…perhaps not f-friendship, but a civilized acquaintanceship with this one you once held d-dear.”

Palette felt some of the tension release from her shoulders, and she let the beautiful, freeing words whisper through her mind again.  Follow your heart. Do not try to.  She did not feel guilt or uncertainty looking back on the surprise meeting with the Yellow-Light, and she looked at Baldr with gently glowing eyes.

”I can’t tell you enough how much you have helped me,” she admitted.  ”You’re my best friend…”  Of course he was.  She’d been so slow to realize it…but then again, she had always been slow with such things.

Baldr was smiling.  ”After everything that has happened, I never thought I would meet someone whom I could call my closest friend…but you, d-dear Palette, have proved me wrong.”

When both had trailed into silence, lulled by the sense of security, Palette let her gaze roam to the scars that laced the back of Baldr’s neck.  They had long since closed up, but he still lingered…most likely for her.  Suddenly Palette was blurting the words before she quite realized what she was saying.

”Baldr, will you stay?  I-in Fire Tribe?”

A horrified look sprang into her eyes as soon as they were out, but she knew with a terrible sense of doom that it was too late.  Yet a tiny sense of hope flickered in her heart…a flicker that began to sputter and die away the longer that the thoughtful, soft frown lingered on Baldr’s face.

”…My heart tells me that the answer should be yes.  But often, the head conflicts with the desires in our soul.  One day, I believe I could call Fire Tribe home but- that day is not today.  I…I am sorry, but I cannot yet find it in myself to linger here.  P-please, do not think that my answer reflects judgment on you- t-there is nothing I would enjoy more than to spend the rest of my days with you.”

Then stay! Palette wanted to cry, but she could only lie in a stunned stupor as Baldr began to speak again.

”But there is more for me out there, I am sure of it.  I promise I shall return to you as often as I can.  And perhaps one day, I will stay.”

A rushing sound roared in Palette’s ears as her eyes became strangely blank, as if she suddenly did not recognize where she was.  ”D-does…does that mean you’re…leaving?”  The last word was barely a breath, but she forced it out even as pain lanced her.  Please don’t leave me again.

”I am afraid so,” Baldr said regretfully.  The rushing had become a slight ringing.  ”But as I said, I will come back and visit you, my friend.  This is not goodbye.”

How do you know?  So many responses swirled wildly in her head- many pleas- but she did not trust herself to speak more than a few words at a time.  Forcing a smile, Palette managed to say, ”I…where are you going?”  She and her stupid rushing.  Stupid.  Just a few minutes ago, he had shown no indication of parting…and now he was leaving.  Not again.

Baldr smiled sadly and murmured, ”To the neutral lands, to begin with.  After that…perhaps back to Light Tribe to visit Basil…or to Water Tribe, where another close friend of mine lives.”  Palette could hardly hear what he was saying past the ringing.  It was becoming quite annoying.  ”…I fear I have upset you, and I know there is nothing I can do to fix that, short of staying…”

Every selfish notion inside of her screamed for her to pull at him, shrieked for control of her tongue to just force the words out, but she could only think of his earlier sentence.  Selfless.  She would not prove him wrong, not now…not if staying here would make him unhappy.  Even if knowing that hurt, that he would rather be alone, Palette would not do that to him.

”No, no, it’s…it’s your choice.  I want you happy.”  Palette swallowed and stared at her paws, feeling dizzy.  Who was going to be there when the nightmares woke her sobbing?  Who would be there to understand when she needed a shoulder?  But perhaps he had never truly been happy.  This struck her hard, and she forced her head up to look at him, her gaze already controlled.  ”I just…I’ll miss you.”

Baldr moved forward to press against her shoulder in comfort, yet the contact felt dull, as if he were separated by a secondary’s shield.  ”And I shall miss you…but I will come back.  I promise.”

”I promise.”  She would hold him to that.  She smiled a little, but could not bring herself to look up from her paws, knowing the look in her eyes would only make him guilty.  For a terrible, wrenching moment she did not know what to say, but finally she sighed and whispered, ”Be safe, Baldr.”  She quietly moved forward and buried her face in his neck fur for a moment, breathing in his scent.  For a few heartbeats she remained there, fighting against the last few shreds of hope to cry for him to stay, and then abruptly turned away and looked at the ground after a fleeting glance to his face.  It was not long enough to see his expression.

”I hope you find what it is you’re looking for,” she finally said, the words sincere, focusing with every fiber of her being on the cracks in the den’s floor.  Baldr was silent, as if knowing any more farewells would be too much for her, and then she heard the soft pawsteps treading away from her, away from the den, away from the camp.

Away from Fire Tribe, and leaving just a memory of warm fur that she was already starting to miss.