The Fifth Horseman

“I'm not saying they're not killing each other,” I explain. “I can see from the figures in front of me that they're killing each other. What I'm saying is that unless you can broaden your demographic, we're never going to meet our targets for this quarter. This is supposed to be a world war, Belgium and the Netherlands isn't going to cut it.”

War squawks at me down the phone. It's hard to hear him over all the screaming in the background, but frankly I'm not interested in his excuses, I need to see results.

“What do I expect you to do? Do your job! Think outside the box! Look, Famine is in Europe right now, why don't you ask him for some help? I see the potential for synergy there. No, I'm aware you don't do 'asking for help'. I'm also aware of your performance over the past century, and I'm noticing some startling correlation between- hello? Hello?”

I slam the handset back into its cradle, which is a lot harder than it sounds when done from the back of an infernal steed. I'm the other horseman of the apocalypse, Business. They brought me on in the 1700s to improve efficiency.

War tends to stress me out. He's useful in his own way, but when he gets out of control it's a nightmare. At least he's in no danger of running over budget this time.

I adjust my tie, followed by my horse's tie, and I pick up the phone again. I need to call in a favour.

DEATH SPEAKING, says a deep voice with very little punctuation.

“Hey buddy. Have you heard from War recently?”

I HEARD ABOUT A LITTLE SKIRMISH IN ANTWERP. IS THAT HIM?

“That's him. His uh, how should I put it... campaign there isn't panning out as projected. Is there any way you can grease the wheels a little? Maybe arrange a high-profile assassination of some sort?”

I'M ON IT ALREADY. ANYONE IN PARTICULAR?

“Follow your hear- I mean play it by ea- Uh, whatever you think is best.”

VERY WELL. SO, HOW'RE THINGS IN THE OFFICE? IS EVERYTHING SYNERGISING? ARE THE SPREADSHEETS ALL BALANCING OUT?

“Everything's running like clockwork,” I lie.

ANYONE FROM THE TAX OFFICE YOU NEED DEAD?

“Ha. You concentrate on your job. I'll handle the taxes.”