[OUTDATED] 'Love me!' 'No Thanks!' 'CONSPIRACY!'

And now, a bonus update to Self-Development Wagon #7: "Love Me!" "No Thanks!"

This was to be an addition to Section IV: Fighting Others To Stay On Top (Ensures You Become Universally Hated), but it was too large. Instead, it will be getting a part all to itself. A happy accident is that this can also act as a stand-alone conspiracy theory guide (though, be sure to check my rather cheap-and-easy sources in the description below for more info).

Under the Tin-Foil Hat: Conspiracy Theories and the Refusal to Accept Reality

This section is a later-comer to this guide: newly added for the updates. It addresses the how those with a sense of self-righteousness and no grasp on reality love to push their own personal conspiracy theories.

Let's say you've accidentally "wronged" somebody with an intense form of self-righteousness: now they will go out of your way to prove you are the offending party, no matter how much evidence you have, no matter how much you try to make amends, no matter how much their accusations just plain don't make sense. But why do these people absolutely refuse to accept the truth? Let's do a little brain science.

Confirmation Bias is when the brain seeks to confirm things it already knows, and if you read my earlier guides, it's dangerous to acquiring new knowledge. If you're unfamiliar with it, here's a self-demonstrating example: whether you think I'm smart or dumb, you're going to use this guide as evidence of what you already think of me, and if you don't know me, you're going to use your past knowledge to judge whether or not the information is thought-provoking or stupid. To the mind of the self-righteous, it is downright ruled by Confirmation Bias: any evidence to the contrary might actually reinforce the conspiracy theorist's ideas, and thus they say, "See? It's a cover-up!" For example, the ultra-self-righteous person will say, "So-and-so is harassing me! So-and-so is harassing me!," despite all evidence to the contrary. People will tell the conspiracy theorist, "So-and-so's not after you, so stop saying that," or better yet, "So-and-so actually wants to make peace and doesn't understand why you're acting this way," and the conspiracy theorist will respond, "So-and-so sent you to tell me this! See?! So-and-so really is after me because So-and-so sent YOU!" To the mind of the self-righteous affected by Confirmation Bias, all proof to the contrary backs up their delusional claims.

Worse, many of these conspiracy theories actually sucker in unsuspecting-but-peaceful people. If the ultra-self-righteous person manages to get friendly with enough people, it can become a clique of conspirators being led by a paranoid liar who only wants to prove their own delusions. Those most prone to believing outlandish conspiracy theories are those affected by the socio-psychological phenomenon knows as Mean World Syndrome, a cousin to Confirmation Bias: the person believes the world is full of terrible events, then seeks out terrible events to prove the conspiracy right. For example, let's say a charitable organization raises millions for homeless shelters, but a self-righteous conspiracy theorist says, "That's a dirty organization! They exploit others for money and keep it for themselves! They never help anyone!" Now, there's plenty of evidence to the contrary: you can see their charitable work every day. However, once somebody is suckered into the conspiracy, they will focus on every mishap, every screw-up, everything to prove that the organization is truly rotten. Finally, the group might have one tiny mishap (or better yet, they make a public statement about the conspiracy theorist), and the unlucky victim will say, "You see?! They really are corrupt!" And thus, somebody's life falls into misery, self-destruction, and above else else, paranoia.

Luckily, you can spot conspiracy theorists if you know the signs of a weak conspiracy theory.

In an essay commissioned by the CIA, essayist Daniel Pipes wrote about how to avoid conspiracy theories by saying that conspiracy theorists have five key traits to their thinking, and warns, "Conspiracy theories spawn their own discourse, complete in itself and virtually immune to rational argument." Here are the five signs that somebody is caught up in a conspiracy theory, plus my own annotations:

Conspiracy Theory Sign #1: An intense "appearances deceive" mindset.

Granted, we all know this idea, but the conspiracy theorist does this to a much, much greater extent. For example, you offend a notably nice guy, and the nice guy merely laughs it off and forgives you. You ask the person's friends, and it turns out that's how he always is. So, he seems like a nice guy, but you later find out he also has some stress issues and can get a little depressed sometimes, or perhaps he might explode at the right time if pushed enough: that's normal. Now let's say you're a conspiracy theorist and have the previously-mentioned self-righteous/delusional mindset: his laugh is a sign he's out to get you. His laugh is a sign he's really harboring anger: after all, if you were in his shoes, you'd laugh before planning the murder the guy, but it's okay if you do it because you're the exception to the rule. You'd then use this "evidence" to "prove" he's out to get you. Rational proof requires that people must see to believe, and not something only the conspiracy theorist sees.

Of course, if the masses have overwhelming proof that the conspiracy is wrong, you can easily predict how they'll respond: "They're all in on it! The sheep masses are all collaborating together! They're all hiding the truth because those in charge say so!" We've heard it a million times: it's how NASA "covered up" the moon landings, it's how the US Government "covered up" 9/11, and so on and so forth, and only the conspiracy theorists have the "official" story, despite all evidence to the contrary. However, numerous studies deconstruct these theories to find it takes far more resources to "cover up" a conspiracy than to carry out the conspiracy itself. Every real conspiracy is eventually found out over time because somebody fesses up: the Watergate scandal was blown up, the Iran-Contra affair was exposed, numerous illicit military/CIA operations were all exposed because somebody talked. Quoting from the show The West Wing, "There is no group of people this large in the world that can keep a secret. I find it comforting. It's how I know for sure that [we're not] covering up aliens in New Mexico."

Pro-Tip: If the general masses can all prove one side of the story, and the other person spends all of their time trying to say they have "the forbidden truth," with no rational evidence, it's very likely a conspiracy theory. Sociology professor Ted Goertzal once said, "There’s a similar kind of logic behind all [conspiracy theorist] groups, I think ... They don’t undertake to prove that their view is true [so much as to] find flaws in what the other side is saying." As I said before, conspiracy theorists love to go on Confirmation Bias and the belief that everyone else is "in on the secret", but they just can't seem to go anywhere near tangible, irrefutable, in-context evidence.


Conspiracy Theory Sign #2: The belief that all conspiracies drive history.

Ever notice how those who believe in one conspiracy tend to believe in others? Those who believe in the "Moon Landing Hoax" also have strange ideas about JFK's assassination, 9/11, the Illuminati, and alien cover-ups. As with the old Japanese proverb, "Find one vermin, and your house is already infested." These people are ruled by Mean World Syndrome and think every great event in history was actually engineered by "those in power". Again, pro-tip: look at how these people act in a position of power, and you'll notice they have nightmarishly jerkish tendencies since they falsely believe "might equals right." Rational thinking requires that we must take much of history at face value: some incredible things really did happen the way people said they did, and as stated before, nobody can keep a giant secret for that long.

On a smaller scale, these people think everything that's ever been done wrong to them was all the result of a big conspiracy "out to get them personally." This is known as Persecution Complex. To quote the skeptic writer H.L. Mencken, "The central belief of every moron is that he is the victim of a mysterious conspiracy against his common rights and true deserts. He ascribes all his failure to get on in the world, all of his congenital incapacity and damfoolishness, to the machinations of werewolves assembled in Wall Street, or some other such den of infamy." If somebody gets banned from a group, never mind whether or not they broke the rules: to them, it was all about the group being out to get them for some material gain (Sign #5). To them, their life is out of control, and they believe everything is swayed by those with more power (and again, these people tend to be control freaks when they themselves get into power). As I mentioned before, there are those who manage to convince more people of their theories, and in an act of intense irony, they form a clique of conspirators themselves to rise up against the people they're "persecuted by." If the attacked ground responds, even with an apology or invitation to peace, the conspiring group will use their Confirmation Bias to label the action as "proof" that "they are being persecuted."


Conspiracy Theory Sign #3: The idea that nothing is haphazard.

People make mistakes, but to the conspiracy theorists, these are passive-aggressive acts or false accidents to further a larger cause. As we've covered earlier, this strict black-and-white thinking is a huge sign somebody is pushing a conspiracy theory. If this person was accidentally wronged, and everyone knows the person was accidentally wronged, and yet this person pushes the idea it was on purpose, no matter how many times the offending party apologizes or presents proof, it's very, very likely a conspiracy theory. Rational thinking requires us to accept that accidents do happen: not everything is merely a step in some "giant plan," especially when those who made the accident apologize for the accident or are set back by the accident themselves.

I wish there was more to add to this, but it's self-explanatory: anyone who believes that all "accidents" are done on purpose with the intent to gain power, further a plan, and/or hurt others are not mentally or emotionally stable.


Conspiracy Theory Sign #4: The idea the enemy always gains.

As we previously discussed, a problem with self-righteous people is they have an intense world view that ignores how real people act, not to mention the fact that it costs more to cover up a conspiracy than to actually run the conspiracy. To the conspiracy theorists, logistics don't exist: there are no downsides to the conspirator's "perfect plan": they have infinite resources, infinite money, they can brainwash and control anyone they want to do anything they want, and nobody ever finds out (except, you know, the conspiracy theorist and friends, who have "secret knowledge" that only they seem to know or validate). Never mind the man hours needed to run these conspiracies, never mind how those involved actually have "lives," and never mind that many plans, even good ones, have consequences: to a conspiracy theorist, the conspirators can do anything they want and get away with it. Rational thinking remembers that we live in a universe of limited resources, where all of our actions have consequences, where not everyone will do what we tell them to (hence why actual conspiracies are eventually exposed), and where not every action works out.

Hint: Analyze how difficult it would be to run the conspiracy. Think about the logistics (who would be involved, with what supplies, and what they'd have to do), what are the benefits (especially if those benefits have anything to do with Sign #5), how easy it would be to keep a secret with the large group involved (tip: it's usually impossible with large groups), and does it actually make sense (it usually doesn't). You can tell it's a load of hogwash if it's too big to contain, there are clearly no real benefits or realistic benefits, it's too large or public to cover up, and it requires some extreme lapses in logic and human behavior to even exist.


Conspiracy Theory Sign #5: An obsession with material gain; the idea that power, money, fame, and sex account for all.

The Tyranny of Analytics returns one again! Either the conspiracy theorist believes that the conspirators are doing what they're doing for material gain (like in the previous point), they're depriving everyone else of gain, or both. So, from this stand-point, 9/11 wasn't caused by a bunch of angry extremists who wanted retribution against the west, but politicians who wanted money and power (even though it wrecked the economy and hurt America's reputation). To them, space exploration wasn't done in the name of science, but as means for power to distract people from the Cold War (even though space exploration was part of the Cold War: space travel meant long-distance weapons). This is something many self-help authors get flak for, including myself: to them, we're not doing this to help people, but to gain money or fame or power (even though our goal is to give other people success, and some people, like me, do it for free, for a small audience, so they can think for themselves).

Once again, look at the people who perpetrate their conspiracy theories: see how they have their own obsession with material wealth. You know you've got a conspiracy on your hands if somebody claims a large group is specifically depriving them of a previous resource. Classics include, "If it weren't for the government, I'd have more money!," or, "If it weren't for the Women's Rights Movement/sexist men, I wouldn't be single!" Rational thinking remembers that not all of our motives are merely for petty material gain, but for motives far more complex.


To recap, if you hear some creepy or threatening accusations being thrown around, read between the lines:

• Is there no public evidence? And is there public evidence to the contrary?
• Does this person think the world is out to personally get them or that history is driven by conspiracies?
  
• Does the person think there are no accidents/mistakes/coincidences, and that everything was done "for a reason" (and not in a "fate" way, but all accidents/mistakes are acts of passive-aggression)?
• Does this person think that anyone with power has perfect control over people and resources? Especially enough so hundred upon thousands of people will comply with "covering up the truth"? (Remember: most people are too moral to let wrongdoings go unnoticed: it is our thirst for justice that has ensured no real conspiracy survives.)
  
• Does this person think the only reason other people do what they do is so they can gain material wealth? Better yet, is this person obsessed with material gains themselves?

If they fit all five criteria, you can be sure the person has a heightened sense of self-righteousness and merely ignore them and their hot air. The irony behind the statement, "Think for yourself! Don't blindly follow others! Exercise free will! You have a mind of your own!," is that those who push this while pushing a conspiracy theory are basically telling people, "Don't blindly follow others, blindly follow ME!"

As a result, you can sum up any conspiracy in this statement: "Although [group/person] claims to otherwise (1.), they're really responsible for [conspiracy]. It's funny how they keep saying [contradictory statement], even though [accident, coincidence, or out-of-context action] happened (3.)! If you don't believe me, they've done tons of stuff like this in the past (2.), including [more accidents, coincidences, and out-of-context actions]! They keep saying it was [an accident, a coincidence, or the conspiracy theorist took the situation out of context], but they're in it for [material gain] (5.), and they're powerful enough to pull this off (4.)! I'm here to let you know [group/person] can't hurt you, they can't control you, and they certainly can't cover up the truth! Stop blindly listening to them, and start listening to ME!"

Here's an example...

"Although the United States Government claims otherwise, they're really responsible for 9/11. It's funny how they keep saying planes and structural damages caused the collapse of the World Trade Centers and damage to the Pentagon, even though jet fuel can't melt through the towers' structures, 7 World Trade Center collapsed without a plane, it looked like a controlled demolition, and Osama Bin Laden has ties to Bush's family. If you don't believe me, they've done tons of stuff like this in the past, like how Kennedy was assassinated for the fake moon landing to distract from the Cold War! They keep saying it was structural damage, flawed architectural designs of the entire World Trade Center buildings, and the fact the Middle East has been mad at us for more than 30 years, but they're only in it for political power, money, and to raise Bush's ratings, and they're powerful enough to pull this off. I'm here to let you know the United States Government can't hurt you, they can't control you, and they certainly can't cover up the truth! Stop blindly listening to them, and start listening to ME!"

Of course, it's harder to pull this off with real conspiracies because the evidence makes it so short. For example...

Watergate: "We have tapes and a dozen whistleblowers. We don't have to say anything: just listen for yourself."

Clinton/Lewinsky: "We have DNA evidence and recorded telephone conversations proving it happened."

Again, remember that the beauty of the world is that no conspiracy stays secret: most people are moral and will blow the whistle on wrongdoing at the first chance they get. If somebody makes bold claims that somebody is out to get them, look at the actual facts. Concrete proof always beats Argument by Assertion (i.e. "X is false." "But [proof], therefore X is true." "Ahem: X IS FALSE!!!"), and being a slave to Confirmation Bias makes it so whoever the first person to influence you gets the final say in what you believe. We're all affected by Confirmation Bias to one degree or another, but I'd rather have people choose their own biases than be swayed by those with poisonous biases; especially the biases that descend into paranoia and unneeded stress like conspiracy theories.