Death of a Thousand Cuts Bonus

DEATH OF A THOUSAND CUTS BONUS

AND NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT...

Maiko Month 20 - AU

"Just think, Prince Zuko. If the timing of the surprise attack on Omashu had been pushed up by a single day, the Avatar might have been captured before we got here, and we would have missed out on our grand opportunity." Uncle smiled and exuded both a calming presence and a tea-scented funk.

Zuko, however, was not mollified. "That just means that the Avatar could be anywhere by now! And now everyone who might have been able to tell us where he was headed has disappeared and joined some kind of rebel resistance!"

Uncle's eyes narrowed. "Don't rebels resist by definition?"

"I don't care, Uncle!" A servant chose that unfortunate moment to appear in the waiting room, catching Zuko in mid-snarl. "What is it?"

"Er... the governor will see you now... Prince Zuko." The servant gave a hasty bow and led the way into the throne room.

Zuko had to admit, it was a very grand hall. It had once been the throne room of King Bumi, but now man who Fa- the Fire Lord had appointed as governor was making it his own. The throne had been draped in red velvet, and workmen were busy hanging Fire Nation flags over every even vaguely Earthy decoration. A second throne, carved from redwood (of course), had been set beside the other, and a woman who could only be the governor's wife was seated there to hold court with her husband.

Both the governor and his wife looked vaguely familiar to Zuko, but he couldn't place them. He hoped he hadn't given them a reason to hate him at some point in the past, but even Zuko had to admit that the odds were poor on that one.

At least they didn't make him bow.

"Welcome, Prince Zuko. What is your business in Omashu?"

Zuko gave a quick glance to Uncle, who remained quiet, and stepped forward. "I seek the Avatar, on the order of the Fire Lord. The crew of my ship received intelligence that the Avatar was spotted carousing in this city not long ago-"

"Yes," the governor interrupted, "we found a cabbage merchant in the dungeons who was complaining about the same thing, but unfortunately he was arrested for assaulting the King before the Avatar left. We haven't had any other word, but of course we're still in the process of... uh, pacifying the city."

It took an effort of will for Zuko to keep his shoulders from slumping in disappointment. That was their last lead; now his only strategy was to sail north and parallel the Earth Kingdom's western coast, on the vague hope that the Avatar was indeed heading for the Northern Water Tribe and wanted to take the shortest route there.

Zuko was about to ask the governor if he was sure about the cabbage merchant when a door behind the thrones popped open, and a young woman stuck her head out. "Mother, Tom-Tom had a little 'accident' and now the rug in the parlor smells funny. I've decided that I'm not dealing with it."

That girl! Something about her looked so hot! Familiar. Zuko meant to think that something about her looked so familiar. Of course.

The governor's wife turned to look at her daughter. "Mai, we're in the middle of something. You remember Prince Zuko, of course."

Mai.

Mai.

Zuko blinked. Wow, someone had really grown up. He wondered if Azula knew where her old friend was living, now. (What was he thinking? Of course Azula knew.)

Mai stepped fully through the door and approached Zuko. Her face remained blank, but Zuko still couldn't help but notice that it had grown a lot prettier since his banishment. Oh no, what if she looked at his face? His dishonor had been made manifest by the righteous hand of his father and now half of his face looked like bacon and even if Mai had crushed on him back when they were kids there was no way she could possibly accept-

"Oh, Zuko," she hissed. "You look so different." He let his gaze fall to his feet, but Mai continued to say, "You've gone bald!"

That brought his eyes back up. "Uh, I shave my head now because the phoenix tail goes better with my-"

"Whatever. At least it will grow back."

Zuko blinked. Was she telling him to stop shaving his head?

Fortunately, the governor chose that moment to intercede. "Dear, Prince Zuko is on a mission to find the Avatar and bring him-"

"Sounds good to me," Mai interrupted. She walked forward, grabbed Zuko's hand, and began dragging him out of the throne room.

"What," Zuko said.

"You would not believe how boring it is in this city. Since the natives literally went underground, the only exciting thing to happen is my brother's potty failures, and that isn't my idea of entertainment. I'll help you find this Avatar guy. That seems like it will be exciting."

Zuko let himself be dragged along, because that seemed like the easiest course of action. "You know I live in a dingy ship with a crew of men, right?"

Uncle jogged up. "That won't be a problem! I'm sure having an outgoing young woman on board will be a breath of fresh air, and Mai's sweet nature will form the core of a new family dynamic that bring us all closer together and make us even more effective at finding the Avatar!"

Mai came to a sudden halt. "Ew, that sounds like Zutara fanfic." Zuko had no idea what that meant, but felt compelled to nod in agreement anyway. "I agree that the male crew won't be a problem, but that's mainly because I'm wearing twenty pounds of knives and blades under my clothes, and one of you is going to set me up with my own room (or cabin or whatever) even if means kicking someone else out." Then she began dragging Zuko along again.

"Have fun, dear," Mai's mother called out. "Try to bed Prince Zuko before you get back!"

---

Weeks later, they were hot on the trail of the Avatar again. "Sailing into Fire Nation waters," Uncle said as their ship sliced through the waves towards both the fleeing sky bison and Admiral Zhao's blockade. "Of all the foolish things you have done in your sixteen years, Prince Zuko, this is the most foolish."

Mai looked out from under the umbrella she used to hide from the sun. "Really? Because the other day I saw him trying to order around one of the komodo rhinos in the name of the Fire Lord, and I thought that was pretty foolish."

Zuko decided to honorably ignore both of them as he ordered the catapult crew to fire at the sky bison. Uncle's continued entreaties were almost as annoying as the crew's complete inability to hit anything with their shots, and then on top of that the blockade itself opened fire towards Zuko's ship and managed to score a direct hit on the engine.

"Wow." Mai's voice was an utter deadpan. "All those shots fired from both directions and the only thing that gets hit is our ship. Seriously, Zuko, are you cursed or something?"

Zuko pinched the bridge of his nose. "Do you have anything helpful to add or are you just on deck to provide annoying commentary?"

"Annoying?" Mai frowned. "I thought I was entertaining you."

"Truly," Uncle said, "love does not smooth all exchanges."

---

A few days and one exploding island later, Zuko's luck turned around, and a chance encounter at a marketplace led to his capturing the Avatar's pet Waterbender. "I'll save you from the pirates," he snarled sarcastically.

The Waterbender was immediately yanked out of his grip. Zuko blinked and looked over to find Mai shooing the girl back into the woods. "What are you doing?"

"It's not that I'm jealous." Mai turned around and looked him right in the eyes. "But I'm just saying that you never grabbed me and tied me up."

---

Another week later, Zuko was whispering in Mai's room, but her bored expression reflected the complete lack of romance in the situation. "So then I grabbed the Avatar and put my swords up to his neck, and Zhao bought my bluff and opened the gate for us. We would have gotten away, but one of the Yu Yan archers shot me in the face."

Mai quirked an eyebrow. "Your head is looking pretty good for having been hit with an arrow. Very, good, actually."

Zuko frowned. He could never figure out if Mai actually thought he was cute or had the most sarcastic sense of humor imaginable. (Or both.) As usual, he decided to ignore the issue. "I think the arrow was blunted, and my mask was made of good wood. Anyway, it knocked me out and the Avatar had to drag me away, but he saw who I was and ran away again."

"Oh well. And you want to hide your mask in my room because?"

"Because you have the only wardrobe cabinet on the ship, and I don't want to risk Zhao showing up and seeing anything he might recognize."

Mai sat down on her bed and tapped her chin. "He'd probably also recognize that black jumpsuit you're wearing. You better leave it here with your mask."

Zuko stared back at her. He truly could never tell when she was joking.

She leaned forward and added, "Start with your pants."

---

Zuko watched as the bounty hunter woman rode her shirshu creature away, leaving him with a big hole in his ship and the beginnings of an idea. If that shirshu could track by scent from anywhere in the world, then-

"I'm impressed," Uncle announced. "Very impressed."

Zuko gave Uncle a disapproving look and was about to reprimand him about letting himself be distracted from the hunt for the Avatar, but then Mai said, "Me, too. She was the most beautiful woman I've ever seen."

Zuko was going to reprimand Mai as well, but then she added, "Zuko, what do you think of me going for the skin-tight black leather look?"

...what had he been thinking about again?

---

Another week later, the hunt had taken a turn for the worst. Zhao had shown up to steal his crew, leaving him without any way of following the Avatar to the North Pole. Uncle came to try to cheer him up, saying, "The crew wanted me to wish you safe travels."

"Good riddance to those traitors."

"It's a lovely night for a walk. Why don't you join me? It would clear your head." Zuko resolutely ignored Uncle's pathetic attempts, and eventually he turned to go. "Or, just stay in your room and sit in the dark. Whatever makes you happy."

As soon as Uncle was gone, Mai climbed out from under his bed. "I thought he'd never leave. Now, about cheering you up..."

Mai, it turned out, was a lot better at making Zuko feel better than Uncle.

---

And so it was that Zuko was completely distracted while Zhao's hired thugs snuck aboard his ship, planted barrels of blasting jelly, and escaped into the night.

Both he and Mai were killed when the ship exploded, but at the very least, they died very happy.

WE NOW RETURN YOU TO THE REGULAR TOMFOOLERY OF YOUR LIFE AS A MAIKO SHIPPER

AND IF YOU WEREN'T ONE BEFORE, YOU ARE NOW

DEAL WITH IT