literature

Fish - 100 Prompts

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Literature Text

Welyn, a small five year old boy, stood in the stream’s shallow, up to his knees. His big sister Raewyn, an eight year old, stood on dry land and watched. The boy was watching the water intently, where small minnows swam. He lunged, they scattered and he came up empty handed for the hundredth time.

“Rae! They got away again!” He cried upon seeing his empty hands. All the older boys were able to catch a fish with their bare hands. Why couldn’t he?

Raewyn sighed, hitched up her dress and waded out into the stream, up to her knees. It was further in than her brother, as she was almost a foot taller than him. He was small, even for his age, but their parents were certain he’d grow taller. Something about how their father had been small too, but he was tall now.

There was slightly larger fish here, but still tiny compared to what the big boys that Welyn envied could grab. Raewyn readied her hands and sighed when her dress plunged down into the water, immediately getting soaked. She wasn’t a fan of water, never really was. She was only out here because their father was away, trying to sell his goods to nobles in the neighboring city and their mother was busy standing in for the town’s ill seamstress. The only one left to keep an eye on her brother was her.

She had been standing there, bent over, hands in the water, still, when a fish finally swam by. She grasped, felt her fingers touch it and just as quickly, felt it slip and rush away. It felt weird. She straightened and looked over at Welyn, who was mimicking her position, eyes fierce with determination, staring intently into the water. Finally, he shrieked, straightened and waved his hand at her.

She waded over; he cupped his hands together and carefully opened his right one to reveal a tiny minnow, flopping delicately in his palm.

“I did it Rae! I did it! You showed me how!” He jumped up and down excitedly, scaring the fish away, splashing water everywhere and covering them both with rain-like droplets. Raewyn couldn’t help but laugh.
Takes place in my original fantasy universe, with Welyn and Raewyn Lyons when they were children.

Written for the prompt of Fish from this prompt table.

Feedback Questions
:bulletblue: Was the pacing ok/did it seem rushed?
:bulletblue: Any suggestions?
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Comments4
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PoeticMolecules's avatar
Hello!

I have been attempting to write flash fiction myself, so I would appreciate a counter critique. 

As for your piece, the flow is wonderful. I felt though that there were too many commas? I agree with what adventwinter said about the background info, perhaps it should have started with that? However the first paragraph you have there is a great opening. There are definitely some phrases I would take out that seem like extra wording.

For example:

<It was> further in than her brother,

or

She wasn’t a fan of water, <never really was.>

These things sound unusual and maybe just need to re-worded. Try reading aloud it helps me a lot when writing.


Great piece!
Hope this helps!
--Samantha S.