tWR Critiques You! With amrgalal7

Jan 27, 201515 min read

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Published: Jan 27, 2015

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What is "tWR Critiques You!"?

To learn more about tWR Critiques You!, check out the first blog entry of the project HERE.

Previous features in the series:

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the articles to get our writers more exposure. :eager: by darkmoon3636

Today we'll be critiquing...

Save meUnder roaring sky, amid the angry waves,
heard her piercing cry resound from deep below.
All alone, I fight against the current.
Out in dark, but lead by ardent heart
paying not the slightest heed to
what they call 'Insanity'
Down the depths, the darkness
palls. I find my moon;
dim, the sprites
guide us back,
back to -
light.

"Save Me" by amrgalal7

First of all, this work already has some critique given to it - but I think that in this case it's a good thing, because it helps us get some things out of the way without "wasting" time on considerations that would just be explained by amrgalal7. For example, some weirdness in the structure that is done in that way because of trochaic meter, and the choice of taking away one more syllable with each verse.

The poem is really short, and quite lovely so you should read it before reading further!

So, the first thing that pops are the missing words. Even reading through the comments thread and knowing the reason why they are, I still feel like

Under roaring sky, amid the angry waves,
heard her piercing cry resound from deep below.

is incomplete. In the first verse you don't put a "the" in the first part, but use it in the second, and that's clashing to me. In the second, the absence of the subject is something I didn't enjoy, and that felt unnatural.

Out in dark, but lead by ardent heart

Here, too, I miss the "the" before "dark". I think these missing words are so noticeable because as the verses grow shorter, they start appearing again, like the "the" in the first verse here:

Down the depths, the darkness
palls. I find my moon;

which is sort of counterintuitive, if you think about it. The shorter the verses, the more "detailed"; the longer the verses, the less the sentences are specified.

In general, I really like the punctuation use. The only instance where I didn't like something was here:

back to -
light.

The hyphen doesn't really work for me, and without it the poem flows better. The pause the hyphen gives just doesn't seem necessary to me, because I feel a pause already from the linebreak, and lengthening it with the hyphen breaks the overall feel of the poem.

The imagery is good, it carries the story quite well. A couple of instances where you used some "clichéd" expressions were:

Under roaring sky, amid the angry waves,
heard her piercing cry resound from deep below.

but I really like what you did with the D-sounds here:

Down the depths, the darkness

I love that you chose to use "palls", very creative, and the moon image was great.

But on to your feedback questions...

1- How do you interpret this piece?

To me, it feels like a journey back from the depths of a figurative hell. The image of drowning that others have mentioned in your comments sounds correct - and there's definitely someone that prompts this coming back.

2- What do you think about the rhythm?

I like what you did with meter, and the choice of shortening the verses gradually is quite smart! However, there are times where I feel like some rewording is in order, to make everything fit without needing to really "miss" any words in between, which as you must have noticed by now, really impacted the poem for me.

3- Any impact?

Definitely! I think the shorter form helped the strength of the overall message. I liked the sentences structure, the linebreaks' positioning and so on; with some small tweaks, this could become truly excellent.

4- Your Overall opinion?

You have a great level of writing here, I believe. As I said, I like the message and how you chose to convey it; some things hinder it, more than helping it, but you seem like the kind of writer who can fix this up the right way.

And now to see your past works...

amrgalal7 hasn't been posting his works on dA for very long, but I think there's something we can focus on and some improvement to be found. (:
Let's start from the very back of his gallery...

Orchard of LoveO, orchard of love, how glamorous you are!
The moment she entered such effusion,
her soul was transfigured with elation;
the enthralling scenery silenced every scruple,
and had her vision bound to the merry present.
Amid the bewitching blossoms she danced,
and swayed in the gentle breeze;
conceived she'd got it all -
for what can be more worthy?
A passionate adoration, a poetic atmosphere,
aflame with his mesmerising charm.
She yielded utterly;
a feather carried by his wind.
A dainty sunflower under the star;
her sustenance for life; her beacon of dreams.
She loved him with no fear nor limits,
forgetting about her own will.
Insipid, she'd grown to him;
a change he desired.
Rebuffing all the heralds, she soared high.
He broke her wings.
What once was the pulse of glee,
is now draining tears.
Such change made her perceive:
not every love story a fairy-tale.
O, orchard of love, how sham you are!

A romantic poem, and his first in general, it already shows a lot of vocabulary skills, and the words aren't really put without knowing their meaning, the placing is exact. However, I get the overwordy-ness vibe that sometimes I get from new poets; which often does more harm than good. And the double-spacing isn't my favourite either, though that's personal choice.

Imaginary fettersBlazing squinting eyes
all around;
that watchful shadow
keeps sidling behind.
He bound himself with fetters
of sneering looks,
and opinions, if only he'd see,
so vulgar.
The soul attire of conduct
and uttered words,
reflected but sham image
of the inside.
He scrutinized his portrait
in the looking-through glass,
but could not recognize the one
he had become.
He perceived he lived more
for others,
suppressing and profoundly hiding
his dreams;
that insipid life did
fade away
when he'd unleashed
his real core.

I see a much better use of vocabulary - some interesting choices in particular I appreciated, unusual and lovely, and in general it didn't make the poem verbose, but complemented it more nicely.
I had a couple of issues with punctuation, here and there, nothing too impacting on the poem itself but still an aspect to be considered in its analysis. (:

Night queenBroken wings, and fettered legs;
frozen limbs of a stolen will,
under the light that brings death
to every lively thing around.
Bound to the ground she is,
surrounded by glazing eyes,
and venomous, slithering tongues.
So to the shadows she hies,
and hides in the dark,
waiting for a salvation
from which she's torn apart.
She prays for the moon to wake,
and the day to die.
smothers her with delight —
the sight of the red sky
Aflame she grows as the night falls.
It calls her soul to the constellations.
The stardust.
She's entranced.
Away from gravity's incantation
where the universe is only hers
to rule:
a lasting reign.
Alas,
the rising sun — again,
slowly devours her
throne.
A damn woe:
is the dawn that shatters her kingdom,
and throws back her crown.
Now down she follows,
and fathoms that:
to her ancient curse she is —
forever condemned.

His most recent work is a good example, because it presents some of the aspects from both the previous poems - the vocabulary, and the punctuation. I like the vocabulary choices in this work better because they are simpler, but also more meaningful; and "simpler" helps create those rhetoric figures he's employed in the poem itself. There's still room for improvement (the very first two verses were overdone, to me), but I think amrgalal7 is going somewhere with his writing, a bit at a time, and his pieces show it.
Punctuation... again, I feel the hyphens in this work are tricky. But much of the remaining punctuation I think is used effectively, and again, the improvement and experimenting is quite visible.

Conclusions

It's been a bit difficult to talk about your writing, Amr! You seem to know very well the theory of what you're doing, and at the same time it feels to me like your theoretical knowledge and your practice are at different levels. Which is true for a lot of writers, it's not criticism at all.

Writing more, practicing more, getting and giving critiques and experimenting, like I said above, will get you far! I can't wait to see your further improvement and I hope you will keep entrusting your works to our group for some good feedback.

Thank you for letting me critique your work today, and I hope this helped you!

Can I get featured like this?

A poll will be posted soon, asking you to link to a work submitted to theWrittenRevolution that didn't get much feedback, and one of the ones submitted there (or on one of the previous polls) will be picked. Keep an eye out for it!

>>All hail GinkgoWerkstatt for this beautiful skin.

critique twr writing htblack thewrittenrevolution wrtingtips

Comments4

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amrgalal7

Jan 27, 2015

Thank you so much for your time, the detailed critique (more than helpful), and your efforts to help others

There's much I should do indeed, practicing is on top of the list for sure. But writing being one of my around 4 dimensions of escapism, makes it difficult to push my skills with a quick pace! Plus, writing is not linked to my study at all.

Your words and advice won't go unconsidered in the next works.

You made my day

Have a nice one too