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But of course, it would not have been what it was without you guys - the community. So thank you. I've moved.
I've moved. I went through the 900 deviants I followed and now follow them on instagram instead. I think I went through all my mutuals too. I've been on DA a very long time, I made friends here and it was the biggest thing in my life for a long time. But it's clearly time to move on. I will miss what I had here. But what I had here is long gone, so staying here wouldn't bring it back. See you elsewhere. :heart:
November.
I'm afraid to say or write anything because I feel it will either hurt or anger people. I belong in the garbage can. I feel completely worthless and that is the correct feeling for me to feel. I am alone and that is also the right state of being for someone like me. I don't deserve comfort or hugs and that's why nobody gives me those. I deserve to hurt. I wish I was worth more but I know I'm not. I won't be writing NaNoWriMo because I can't find the state of emotional existence needed to write about people who feel a sense of worth.
Cannot navigate this website.
To start with, I think comments vanish after a certain amount of time because I vaguely remember I had 289 comments to get to that spanned the past 12 years but now I have zero comments in my notification centre. So, I apologise for not replying. Ironically this mirrors the state of my mind, which is fucking depressing. It's bad enough things in my mind just disappear into emptiness but now all the hard evidence around me is vanishing as well. The second problem is I am struggling to navigate DA. Well, I was struggling before, now it's become more or less impossible for me to hit the right buttons. I can't use it on desktop because of illness/disability and so I'm left with the mobile options. I never imagined I'd be too disabled to access a website in 2021 but here we are. The third thing is my health, it has been 18 months that I am having weeks-long episodes of fever and now I also get to feel like I am genuinely dying while these happen. I mean this quite literally. I have
Postscript.
I've been ill a long time now. But for the past 3 weeks I've been a lot, lot more ill. I'm not getting help from my doctors because they think I am making most of my health issues up. On top of that, I've lost a lot of weight in a short period of time. I'm exhausted and weak. I keep saying I can't do this anymore, but just as I learned when I said that as a child: you have no choice. Nobody's coming. There's no help. There's nobody. I'm alone.
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Sheesh, your health is still messing with you. :<
Even though you are a doc, do you have to go to other doctors to give you meds, asses you or can you do it yourself (makes me think of checking one's back with a mirror)?
Even though you are a doc, do you have to go to other doctors to give you meds, asses you or can you do it yourself (makes me think of checking one's back with a mirror)?