In Everything Truth -- 2.1 Garage Garbage

Dante drove Black Maria through the portal into our vehicle hanger on Domo A’regato. Amber rode shotgun, I hid in the back. Dante drives even worse when she sees me flinch. We towed a trailer Domo supply dropped to us in Balistan. It's loaded with confiscated weapons.

After we blew our cover, we spent a day settling things down, cleaning and fixing things. Put in cleaner water, brought in food and fuel.  Luciano and Evrard spread the story around the world. Militias butting heads around here isn’t news. World Warriors, we’re news. Fear the Cute Ones. Maybe the story will shame the Balistan government into coming back and doing their damn job. If they don’t, World Warriors will be back. Louder and longer. And we will remind them of their responsibilities, direct to their faces. It’s why they get paid the big bucks, or at least small unmarked bills.

Dante got pissed when Amber and I refused to dig up the Priory’s tank. It had sunk deep in the mud outside a refugee camp. I wasn’t strong enough to overcome the suck.

We already have half a dozen tanks and other armored combat vehicles. They’re useless trophies. But we have plenty of room left in the garage. Domo is big and generous to us.  But Major Dumbass’s tank is better a kids playground piece than in our junk pile. We cleaned up hazmat, filled it up with rocks and mud, and turned it into a planter. Amber even decorated it cheerful colors. And left with kids playing around it.

Dante seethed quietly until we were home.  Domo teleported us 80,000 kilometers in the time it took to drive 30 feet. For no good reason, Dante floored Maria. She zoomed around the garage, doing donuts for a minute, letting the trailer rattle and sway, then hit the brakes, squealed to a stop, shut off the engine, and turned in her seat to bitch, bitch, bitch. “You assholes!”

I was getting pissed myself. “Bite me, Boom Boom.”

Amber had turned to watch us both. “Those tanks are wasteful!”

She was kneeling in her seat where I got a good view. I could barely keep my eyes out of Amber’s dress. Amber is sex walking the Earth, and on Domo’s decks too.  I managed to babble out, “Dante, give us some space. We can’t fail in public. It really did weight too much.”

“Amber could have turned the mud to something else! Bubble bath maybe! Cool whip!”

Amber blushed gold. “I didn’t think of that. I’m sorry Dante.”

“You’re sorry!” She glared at our contrite goddess, and her expression softened. Nobody can stay mad at Amber. “Oh. OK. It’s OK. It wasn’t in very good shape anyway. I’m sorry I got so mad.” But Dante was still all red-faced.

Amber gave her a big hug. “Think peaceful thoughts. Non-violence is a challenge. You can meet any challenge. Nothing can beat Dante Alexander!”  

Dante turned to stare out the windshield for a moment. Embarrassed? Dante? Surely not. Her face slowly turned pale. She stopped trembling as she breathed deep. “Right. Right. Let’s get this shit unpacked and stored away.”

I got out and started unloading confiscated assault rifles, machine guns, and antitank rocket launchers. Dante and I stowed them in the garage’s storage lockers. We have no real use for five dozen (more) guns, but the Blond Menace clean guns to relax. We don’t need those two tense.

“Be careful with that stuff.” Dante reminded me, keeping her voice neutral. She looked stiff, tightly controlling herself. Still mad.

“Did you ‘forget’ to unload them?”

“They’re always loaded. Those boxes have rockets in them. With enough explosives to hurt even you.”

“Lovely, just like you.”  

Amber doesn’t like guns. Dante doesn’t trust Amber with guns. So Amber hopped up on top of a storage cabinet and amused herself while we worked. Fairy dust transformed her clothes, from Arabian night princess robes into a super costume. A tight slinky colorful super suit, cut to show off her perfect nymph figure and skin. Battle thong, buccaneer boots, big boobs and cleavage, cape.  I never see our big ol’ muscle miss use the same costume pattern twice. She says she accesses platonic ideals and mythological archetypes from the spirit world. Must be a lot of fetish spirits in archetype land.  Or mediocre comic book artists.

The portal from ops opened up and Phoenix walked in. I was damn glad to see him back in continuity. Kris To’Pher is nearly as tall as me, wide shoulders, long gold and red hair like fire, muscles bulging like a super should. Eyes of blazing gold. Wears blue and gold skin-tights like an alien demigod should. Dark metal Kirby greebles hanging off him. Fearless Leader looked tired and grouchy. He’s got the weight of the world on his shoulders. Our little ways to relax and kid around don’t help.

Shillelagh, James O’Malley, our Stickman, followed, coming from the Dome. Stick’s as tall as me, but a bit more trim. Handsome Irish devil. Dark hair and a grin the size of the world. Stick looked a little tired and sleepy too. That’s an act. He’s invincible. Physically at least. Psychologically, I know he gets weary. He has girlfriend problems. Eleven girlfriend problems.

“Hello, glad you’re back. Looks like good work.” Phoenix said. “Good report.”

Stick just had to ask, “Didn’t you capture a tank?”

FX instantly had her mad back on. She pointed fingers at me and Amber, her face turned red again. “These shits wouldn’t bring it back. They turned it into a planter!”

I pushed back on her finger with the palm of my hand. “Dante, you were busy teaching kids how to bling up Mom and Dad’s machine guns. We ran out of muscles.” Dante handed out a case of World Warrior Action figure/dolls to the kids too. Nothing wrong with that. She even got the spring cleaned up.

Stick laughed. I could see Phoenix trying not to laugh. Amber spoke up further in our defense, “You got to blow up all the cannon shells, Dante! They had over a dozen!” It had been a big boom. A mile from the village, and over a ridge-line, it still rattled the cooking pots.

“Sometimes I want more than just one boom!”

“Boom today, Boom tomorrow. Boom Boom always Boom Booms!” Phoenix’s quip got FX to laugh. I don’t know how he does it.

“So glad you’re back boss man!” Dante ran up and hugged him. Amber teleported over in a cloud of fairy dust and double hugged him.

I almost felt like hugging the boss myself. Instead, I bumped fists with Shillelagh and asked, “Hey, how did things go for you guys?” He’s Irish by nationality, a professional actor by trade, and our face man by role, as well as a leading puncher and ass-kicker. Stronger than me, as tall, and he’s damn near invulnerable. Stick’s one handsome charming dark-haired devil. I am only moderately envious. And only when I’m awake.

Dante butted in to ask, “Did you leave The Clone behind in some deserving hell dimension. Please say yes!” She ran her fingers through the boss’s long hair.

Shillelagh scowled at Dante. “Quit dogging on my girl.” The Clone: Catherine Dante Alexander Beta Eleven AKA Cathy AKA Eleven, AKA Twig. Stick and Twig are involved and tight.  She and Psike 3 had been out of continuity with their man toys Stick and Phoenix. Saving the multiverse from intrusive evil otherness.

Amber waved a finger at her. “Dante! We couldn’t do that to Eleven!”

I agree. “Stick might hook up with Robin on the rebound. I might never get any sleep.”

Boss was patient, “Of course not, Dante. We did quite well Bob. Continuum E was a mess, but we teamed up with professionals. The World Warriors of Continuum 63, Polaris and Mister Psiyke run a tight crew.”

He meant our counterparts from Other Earth-Gender Bender. (They call us the same thing back.) I sensed implied criticism. “Are you implying we’re not tight-knit and professional? Too bad so sad, we get the job done for you, dammit!”

Phoenix shook his head. “You act like children!” Well, Fuck You Eat Me, Lord Dragonlord.

Dante started to argue with him. He frowned at her, both eyes blazing, “No abandoning team-mates! Cathy is back and in great shape. Carmine would kill me for leaving her in Continuum E. And Continuum 63 couldn’t survive both Cathy and you two’s male counterparts.”

Dante blushed and switched tracks. “Well….Wait until I tell her about the tank!”  

They might agree on one thing: Amber and I are anti-armored-fun no-good shits. I will never hear the end of this.

Stick and Phoenix helped unload. Phoenix remembered to ask, “Did you drain the tank’s fuel and what-do-you-earthlings-call-it, hydraulic fluid?”

I reassured him. “Sure thing. Amber turned all the hazmat into fertilizer and planted flowers.”

“Good job. What did you do with the trucks?”

“Those weren't sunk so deep. We dug the gun trucks out of the mud and honeysuckle and took the guns from them.”

Amber added, “I cleaned them up and painted them pretty colors. We left the keys. Somebody’ll get some use out of them. And that’s when Dante got all grumpy. She bitched we wouldn’t dig out and haul back the tank. Just another useless shit tank.” Amber waved her hands around, indicating our motorized garage of armored garbage.

There’s five tanks, two APCs, and a Tank Retriever. More actual cars would be nice. We keep running out of cars.

“I believe I hear Potty Words coming from your mouth, Amber Moonglade.” FX pointed.

“Potty words?”

“Potty words!”

“Great.” Phoenix sounded fed up. Can’t blame him. Much. He stuck me guarding these babe-brats. “Shut up. I’ll lock this stuff up. You get cleaned up, eat, and get some rest. Bagheera has wandered off, and might call us for help.”

“Bagheera need help?” I couldn’t believe that. “No way!” Bagheera’s competent. Independent cuss but you can depend on him. I want to be just like Mike North when I grow up. Any decade now.

“True, it’s unlikely, but anything can happen. He’s hunting vampires. Again.”

“Cat man needs a safer hobby. Counter-offer, Boss. I’ll clean up Maria. It’s filthy. You guys go get some rest. You all look beat and I need quiet time to unwind.”

“I’ll help!” Amber added. So much for quiet. Her superhero suit dissolved and reformed into a race queen outfit. Complete with a parasol. Weirdo. A generous portion of her magic bouncy butt was hanging out of her magic short shorts. Magnificent weirdo.

“Whatever.” FX stalked off through the portal to the Dome. Phoenix shook his head, Stick gave me a sympathetic look, and they followed her.

“Dante’s going to see Stick and Twig, Kay Eye Ess Ess Eye En Gee.” I predicted.

“She needs to get laid.”

“So says the sex goddess.”

“Love goddess! Acting love goddess! It’s just a job! I can walk away from all this whenever I want!” She sounded exasperated.

“But I know you won’t if the world needs you. FX isn’t all that interested in the boys. Or girls either. She’s celibate and happy.”

“You wouldn’t know everything about that. Remember when Lord Dire went after her as a virgin bride/sacrifice? And I’m concerned with you too.”

“OK, she’s celibate and happy regardless of her grandpaw coming after her with a knife and some mythological meddler jacking up her boobs, butt and most especially her hormones.” Amber blushed. Golden of course. “She looks nice, but she was fine before you interfered. And I don’t need my ashes hauled every five minutes.” I finished locking storage cabinets.

Amber changed the subject to my favorite subject: me. “When was the last time you had a real relationship with a woman you love?”

“Outlaw looks me up when she’s between girlfriends. We hooked up for a vacation last winter.”

“She’s nice, but you really aren’t her type.”

“True, I do love me some Outlaw quality time, but she’s got a serious attraction for neurotic nerd girls. (She says you and Dante are hot, by the way.) Outlaw knows I don’t freak around bisexual cyborgs. We’re casual.”

“Look Bob, if you’d act serious for once, you could seduce Dante like that.” She snapped her fingers. “Or any other girl. You act crude but you’re built cute. Tall and handsome. Big shoulders.”

“Tall, pale, freckled, and handsome? I don’t think so. And I don’t do ‘serious’. Or want Dante to do anything she doesn’t really want to do. Boom Boom’s not subtle. If she was interested in me, Dante would jump my bones, bop me over the head, and drag me back to her lair. If she’s interested in anybody, it’s Derick. You know how much she likes music. And guys that remind her of daddy.”

Charming. Dark. Sculpted. Brilliant. Cocky. Mercurial. I am not those things, and she also says I’m also too tall to dance with.

“We’ve talked. He likes her but he’s got other things going on. For now at least.”

“You’re being mysterious again.”

“He deserves his privacy too. He’s in a painful place, and for now you can’t help him.” She unhooked the trailer, picked up Maria and put it up on the rack. “So, why don’t you speak for yourself, Miles Standish?”
I whistled. “I forget just how strong you are.” She’s got fitness model muscles, sure, but that doesn’t mean much in our weight classes. I outweigh Stick and Selena, but they're both stronger than me. Amber's real strength is magic.

“Most men whistle because I’m pretty.”

“You are pretty. Beautiful. Nobody can take their eyes off you.” I flew up, popped the hood and pulled the air filter. Amber’s powers are good for many things.

She shook her head. “You do.” I threw her the filter, she caught it. Then sprinkled it with fairy dust. Balistan dirt flew from it into her other hand. She sprinkled the rest of Maria the same way, compressed all the dirt down, gave it a spin and transformed it into a colorful pot.

“Took years of practice. It’s rude to stare.” was the best I came up with. Amber is too much.

“I don’t tease. If you stopped teasing, you’d do better.”

Hit me over the head enough and I get a clue. “You’re worried about my love life? Why don’t you speak for yourself, Miley Standish?” I dropped down right in front of her, looking into her bright golden eyes.

She reached up, grabbed my shoulders, and laughed. “How dare you flirt with me, mortal? If I was Dante, I’d kick your balls up your butt.”

“Yeah, and then she’d break that pot over my head. Only it would be a bomb. I heal. Almost as well as she does. Or you do.”

“Still hurts. I hate that.” She embraced me and we kissed. No better feeling in the world. Right then, I wanted her all for myself. My other friends and the world could damn well wait.