Chez Langford 2013-08-30 7:30 UTC -8

Friday, both the Blond Menace showed up at my house to mooch breakfast. Cathy and Robin are going  to get their blood filtered in Dallas. They’ll pick up another clone of Dante who also needs the treatment.

Stick usually goes with Eleven and the Kitten, brings a stack of scripts and proposals to read. He and Taser are off in Europe being our token Europeans, helping out with European problems. I nag Phoenix about diversity. We are so white bread. Most of us Caucasian, most of us American. We haven’t had an African since Osiris left. Nobody from Asia either. Wobble.

Pardon my rant. Phoenix doesn’t get it. I sort of see why. After all, there are all these Earthlings on the team with him and his daughters. Isn’t that diverse enough? Why, Amber is a brunette! Psike and Bagheera are west coast blends! And Bagheera is a cat man! Oh hell no it isn’t, and I say that as a particularly pale prosperous American slob snob from the all American mid-west. Gotta work on that, keep nagging, keep recruiting.

So. My girl Amber, Stick, Matrix and  Taser are gone back to Naples. Of the rest of the Legion, the Darius clan have a legislative hearing in Sacramento. (Some folks complained about the Girl’s entrapping rapists.) Bagheera hanging with Kittyhawk and scheming with The Eclipse. Kinetic and Willow are watching our prisoners. Blackthorn is stuck in ops, just the way he likes it. He’s digging for financial dirt and supernatural gossip.

Robin and I were cooking, so Cathy let Dante in. She tried being polite, god knows why. “Good morning most respected prototype.”

“Howdy Bitch. Howdy Bob and Doc. When is this show getting on the road?” Dante’s starting off offensive. Goodie.

I touched Robin’s shoulder. “Should we kill her now?”

“Too many witnesses. And I think she may be immune to drain cleaner and other kitchen poisons.”

And Dante’s still on my bucket list. My dick gets me into so much trouble. “After we eat, maybe?”

“Trust me, you wouldn’t want this treatment on an empty stomach. Bitch. Big Sis Bitch. Momma Bitch.” Eleven’s got a finger in her mirror’s face. Standing tall to Dante, not giving an inch.  “If you loved me, which I know you do not, you would take the treatment for me. If you’re coming, bring a book and a sweater. It’s boring and the treatment ward is cold.”

“You wouldn’t die fast enough to make it worth my while. I talked with Robin yesterday, I think she must be your Momma. Said she made all kind of special enhancements.” FX made a circular gesture up about her right ear.
Robin frowned and put something special in Dante’s drink. Robin swore “I will maintain the utmost respect for human life” but the oath is silent on the matter of salting drinks with alum.

Cathy took a kicking and kept on bitching. “Special Enhancements? I can dance. And balance a check book. All kinds of things you suck at. Or worse, don’t even suck, much less swallow.”

“I dance better with clothes on. You filthy slut. And I can’t think of any reason I should lick some greasy guy’s piss pipe.” Dante said, with her nose in the air.

Cathy grinned like she’d been waiting for that. Which I guess she had. “Oh honey, once I had Stick, no other dick would click! Oh, but you fight even better naked than me! Not that there’s anything wrong with that.”

I sighed. “Haw Haw Haw, you all so funny. You coming, Boom Boom?”

“Yes, all us girls together. We can watch corny movies and cook smores. Paint toenails. Back-stab each other. Stuff.”

“El wrongo rama-dama ding-dong. I’m coming along to make sure you two behave. At least in public around strangers, and further, you don’t shit all over my other sister’s clinic like you did Robin’s.” I plopped plates on the table while Robin handed out drinks.  

FX turned serious and civilized, just for a moment. She touched Robin’s arm. “Phoenix says nobody goes out wandering alone until this vampire spy thing is over. Psike and Willow got intel From Strange. One of  the bad guys he’s been conspiring with. There’s a prognosticator, Freddie Foresight. He’s a good one. Shillelagh and Taser are watching over Amber and Matrix.”

Eleven swallowed a bite, then explained further. “Good at being bad. Freddy’s the real thing. I’ve seen him play poker, it was unnatural. So they can set up ambushes everywhere and anywhere we go. That’s how those ghouls jumped the guys the other night.”

“I love being bait for your mousetraps.” Robin wasn’t happy. I touched her shoulder. She put a hand over mine. I felt her forcing herself to relax.

“Dante and I are going along to keep you two safe at the clinic. Should be fun.” I was worried myself.

“Not. You really, really, never ever do let me have any fun.” FX grimaced at the taste of her protein shake. “I really think Copy Cat can take care of herself. Or she’s no clone of mine.”

“Or I’m no clone of yours. Right. Robin, Bob, I don’t need OG freak show bomb girl along.”

I saw it was time to put down my big boy boots, “Phoenix doesn’t need his best techs shot up. Or on the front page of USA Today standing in smoldering ruins. Or in Texas jails. Again.”

“Heaven forbid Great Lord Penis be inconvenienced… ”

“…in the slightest.”

I tried to look mean, “You two behave or stay here. Robin has to go in, but she can filter Cathy when she gets back.”

The Menace don’t scare easy, not by me anyway. They radiated defiance right back at me. And FX argued. FX always argues. “No, I’ve got to bond with the brain damaged lucky numbers copy brat. And watch over the eleventh one and your sister clone. You’ll give me Brick shit if I don’t go.” She stayed standing up, facing me, feet in fighting stance, arms crossed. Eleven stood up mirrored her pose. Opposite foot forward and everything.

“Why Dante, I didn’t know you cared if people were disappointed in you. Is my brother somebody special?” Robin asked sweet as saccharine.

Dante shifted her glare to Robin. “I hope they freeze your freak blood solid with this filter machine, freckles.”

The pain in my ass felt worse. “My dearly beloved Blond Menace. Menaces. Yesterday you behaved nicely while committing piracy, rescuing civilians from the plots of mad geologists, and interrogating cruelly handsome assassins. Now it’s bitch this and freak that. Why do you act like five year old boys? You’re better than this.”

“Yesterday was fun!” FX told me. “This is going to the doctor. Not fun.”

“Yeah, we got to tramp around the goon’s dream-scape and blow shit up. Starting with her.” Eleven smiled.
“Dante cock teased Mister Double Oh Twenty Three. So I shot her.”

Greater and greater, “Huh. I like doctors. And I don’t remember a thing about whatever Kinetic and I helpe! d with. Willow just told us to sit back and relax, she’d take care of everything.”

The women all laughed but did not explain why. The pain in my ass keeps getting worse.

Robin, the Menace and I got Black Maria from the garage, Mister Finque had it all gassed and greased and squeeky clean. Shame to drive it in Texas, it’ll get cow dirt and Texan cooties.

Eleven’s SOP for this run is to portal down to the ranch, drive from their to the Clone treatment Clinic. About an hour’s drive. She likes driving as much as Dante, and is nearly as scary. I was steeling myself but she judo’ed my objections. Eleven called “Shotgun!” earning a big frown (#2 Glare of Laser Intensity Hate-Death) from FX. Eleven had a big smile. Score!

Dante never wants to sit next to ‘The Clone’. “Brick, you can drive, this time.”

Screw that, you’re not the boss of me, “Robin, you know where we’re going. I’ll ride in the back with Dante. Clones up front this trip.”

“Not fair! You complain about my driving all the time!”

“Dante, Dad and I made sure Robin can drive safe. They have special Defensive Driving courses for bodyguards driving armored Cadillac SUVs. You improvise.”

Robin held her hands out at ten and two, twisting and jerking an invisible steering wheel, mocking Dante’s wild maneuvering. Dante frowned. Robin smirked and got in the driver seat.

“Sis, that smirk was worthy of the Menaces.”

Dante rolled her eyes at Robin, then pointed at me. “Chicken shit. We’re not holding hands, Brick head. Don’t feed me no lines.”

“I’m not fifteen. Brat.” If the Menace weren’t so incredibly good at this thing we do, I wouldn’t stand for their shit. How does Phil deal when they’re both at work?